In this article, I point out the benefits of anger–a widely misunderstood emotion.
Anger can be described as the Rodney Dangerfield of emotions. Just like the legendary comedian, anger gets “no respect.” People regularly tell me that they want to get rid of their anger or boast proudly that they don’t get angry. From my experience working with clients as a Calgary psychologist and a Cochrane psychologist, I have come to believe that many people have this disdain for anger because they only view anger in the context of verbal or physical aggression. In these cases, anger is expressed in a destructive manner with negative consequences.
What many people do not realize is that anger is actually a valuable and necessary emotion we experience. If it is managed and expressed in a constructive manner, it can be beneficial to us and those around us. In the following sections, I will discuss people’s misconceptions a about anger and then give an accurate description of this emotion and its benefits.
Misconceptions about anger
First let me describe some misconceptions about anger. Contrary to popular belief, anger is not synonymous with aggression. This misguided belief likely arises because of common references to people ‘getting angry’ which are invariably used when someone is behaving in an aggressive or violent manner. In fact, anger and aggression differ fundamentally with anger being an emotion and aggression being one manner in which this emotion is managed or expressed.
A second misconception is that anger is experienced by a person only when they are feeling upset, out of control or on the verge of rage. This second misguided belief about anger is fuelled by references to people being angry when they are experiencing these uncomfortable negative states. Think, for example, of the Incredible Hulk’s catchphrase ,“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” as he escalates into a state of rage in preparation for one of his many displays of violent behavior. The reality is that on many occasions, people experiencing anger are not undergoing internal discomfort and may be very much in control of their behavior. In addition, contrary to popular belief, the consequences when a person acts in response to their anger may in many instances be positive for themselves and those to whom they express their anger. Now that I’ve dispelled some misconceptions about anger, I will discuss what anger really is.
The reality of anger: It is an emotion whose purpose is to benefit us
In contrast with erroneous portrayals of anger as inherently negative, anger is in reality an emotion whose purpose is to benefit us. Anger helps us by serving as a signal that particular situations in our lives need to be addressed. There are two types of situations which need addressing when we are signaled by the emotion of anger. The first type involves interpersonal concerns or disputes. In this case, anger signals us that we need to address a concern or dispute with one or more people. For example, if you loaned some money to a friend and they had not paid you back when they said they would, your experiencing the anger emotion would signal you to address this concern with your friend.
The second type of situation we are signaled to address when we experience anger may not be readily apparent initially. This scenario occurs when anger acts as a ‘secondary emotion.’ In these instances, you experience anger as a surface emotion while the situation which needs attention is linked to emotions which your anger is masking. The metaphor of anger serving as the emotion at the tip of an iceberg applies here as it is thought that people are often more comfortable acknowledging and displaying their anger than they are at getting in touch with and addressing more vulnerable emotions such as hurt, fear, stress, guilt, and embarrassment. Therefore, sometimes your anger is signaling you to get in touch with these emotions beneath the surface of the iceberg and to take steps to alleviate the distress you experience from them. A common occurrence of this second scenario in which anger signals us is when we overreact to people and situations (such as someone flying off the handle if their spouse or roommate leaves the cap off the toothpaste). That the person’s reaction to their anger is disproportionate to the situation is a clue that they need to address situations other than the immediate one as well as the emotions they are experiencing beneath their anger.
In summary, it is beneficial to us and often to others when we address the two types of situations I’ve described. Anger sets us on the road toward addressing these situations by signaling us that they need to be addressed. Therefore, anger is an inherently necessary and valuable emotion which can benefit us and those around us if is acted upon and managed properly. I will discuss good and bad anger management in the following section.
Anger management—good and bad
Whether you and those around you reap the potential benefits of your being signaled by the emotion of anger depends on how you respond to the signal. In other words, whether the consequences of your anger will be positive or negative depend on whether you manage your anger constructively or non-constructively. I will discuss constructive and non-constructive anger management in the context of the two types of situations which our anger signals us to address.
In the first situation in which anger is signaling you to address an interpersonal concern or dispute, constructive anger management involves expressing your concerns in an assertive but non-aggressive manner. Doing so makes it most likely that your concerns will be responded to constructively by the person to whom you express them. In the previous example, you would be managing your anger constructively by telling your friend in an assertive but non-aggressive manner that you are concerned he has not repaid you the money he owes you. On the other hand, you would be managing your anger in a non-constructive manner if you expressed your concerns in an aggressive manner such as by yelling or swearing at your friend for not paying you back in good time. The negative consequences of managing your anger by behaving aggressively include potential physical and emotional harm to you and the target of your attack. In addition, the valid concerns you are trying to address are less likely to be addressed by the other party because of the non-constructive manner in which you expressed them.
Not acting on the interpersonal situation signaled to you when you experience anger is also a non-constructive form of anger management. Although it may seem beneficial in the moment not to address interpersonal situations signaled by your anger in that you spare yourself a potentially unpleasant and stressful discussion, this way of responding to your anger is ultimately negative in its consequences. If you don’t act on the situation signaled by your anger, it is likely to continue to bother you. This ‘bottling up’ of your concerns can lead to an increase in the intensity of your anger to a level which will likely lead you to engage in aggressive behavior. In some instances, the person who ‘stuffs’ their anger may also experience anxiety or physical health issues.
You would also be managing your anger constructively by getting in touch with emotions beneath the tip of your anger iceberg and taking steps to address situations which are at the root of these emotions. Non-constructive anger management in this context involves fixating on your anger in the immediate situation and disregarding the possibility that there may be other emotions and situations contributing to it.
Giving your anger the respect it deserves
My hope is that this article has resulted in you developing a more favourable view of anger. Instead of thinking of your anger as something you need to get rid of or be ashamed of, you should view it as an emotion which gets you on track toward addressing troubling situations in your life. As I mentioned, the key to addressing these situations to which anger alerts you is managing your anger constructively. If you struggle in this area, watch for my next article. In it, I will discuss specific strategies you can use to manage your anger constructively. I have helped many clients in anger management counselling become skilled at these strategies.
May you have a newfound respect for your anger,
-Dr. Pat
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