Act the opposite: Breaking the negative spiral of challenging emotions

One of my favourite episodes of the classic television series Seinfeld is ‘The Opposite’. The plot focuses on Jerry observing that his friend George’s life is in disarray because the latter’s instincts have consistently led him to act in a manner which produces bad results.

Jerry concludes that, if George’s acting on his instincts leads to bad results, acting opposite to his instincts should produce good results. George heeds Jerry’s advice and indeed discovers that acting opposite to his instincts is a recipe for success in his career and relationships, among other areas of his life.

As bizarre as it sounds, there are real-life applications to the principle which was featured in the episode. And although it is too extreme to recommend that people act opposite to their instincts across the board, there are some situations in which following this approach produces good results. I will discuss these situations in the following sections.

Acting the opposite when events trigger challenging emotions

People regularly encounter events which trigger challenging emotions such as anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, and guilt. Once these emotions are triggered, it feels natural to act consistently with these emotions. Unfortunately, this only prolongs the experience of these emotions.

Acting opposite to these emotions entails resisting the urge to act consistently with them. As with George, although acting opposite may feel unnatural, it ultimately leads to good results. It does so by breaking the negative spiral in the experience of these challenging emotions. In the following section, I will discuss how acting the opposite yields these benefits for several emotions.

How to act the opposite for several challenging emotions

Act the opposite with anxiety

Acting on instinct when we are in situations leading to anxiety is to avoid or escape the situation. Unfortunately, doing so may bring short-term relief but reinforces our view that we cannot cope with the situation. It also leads us to have the same level of anxiety the next time we are in the situation.

Acting opposite when we have anxiety involves exposing yourself to the situation so that you feel the anxiety. Doing so may be uncomfortable in the short term. However, it leads to significant benefits in terms of letting you realize you can cope with the situation and the concomitant anxiety. Consistent and prolonged exposure also leads to a lasting reduction in the intensity of anxiety. This contrasts with the temporary reduction in anxiety which occurs with avoidance.

Act the opposite with depression

Acting on instinct when we are in situations leading to depression is to isolate and become inactive. Unfortunately, doing so prolongs this negative mood state. The lack of activity and dwelling on negative thoughts when we are isolated combine to produce this unfavourable result of acting on instinct when we are depressed.

Acting opposite when we are depressed involves ‘behavioural activation’. This entails engaging in enjoyable activities and overcoming isolation. Doing so may be uncomfortable in the short term. However, it leads to significant benefits in terms of improving your mood through activity and by breaking the cycle of dwelling on negative thoughts.

Act the opposite with anger

Acting on instinct when we are in situations leading to anger is to engage in verbal and behavioural aggression. This aggression can be directed toward a person or group who they believe provoked them. Aggression can also be displaced onto a person or group who did not provoke one’s anger. Such scapegoats for aggression are typically viewed as weak and vulnerable by the person who acts aggressively in response to their anger.

Acting opposite when we have anger involves restraining the impulse to act aggressively and instead acting constructively. Delaying one’s response to the anger, calming one’s body by relaxed breathing or taking a time-out, thinking balanced thoughts rather than negatively biased ‘hot thoughts’, and practicing constructively communicating one’s thoughts and feelings are strategies which help a person to act the opposite when they feel anger.

Doing so may be uncomfortable in the short term. However, it leads to significant benefits in terms of conveying your concerns so they are heard by others and steering clear of aggressive words and actions which can cause harm to both parties and to their relationship.

Act the opposite with frustration

Acting on instinct when we are in situations leading to frustration is to give up trying to deal with a challenging situation or to pursue a challenging goal. In some instances, this is accompanied by engaging in aggressive behaviour toward the person or group who they believe is blocking them from achieving their goal or toward a scapegoat.

Acting opposite when we have frustration involves restraining the impulse to give up and/or to act aggressively and deal with the frustrating situation constructively. This involves using a combination of problem-focused coping and self-focused coping.

Problem-focused coping entails taking action to address the source of the frustration. Self-focused coping involves using strategies to keep your composure while engaging in problem-focused coping. These include participating in activities to give yourself a break from thinking about the situation, calming your body’s physical stress reaction through exercise and relaxed breathing, and thinking balanced thoughts rather than negatively biased ‘hot thoughts’ regarding the situation.

Acting the opposite when you feel frustrated may be challenging in the short term. But it ultimately leads you to deal with the situation causing you frustration in an effective manner. It is also better for your mood and your relationships.

Act the opposite with guilt

Acting on instinct when we experience guilt typically takes one of two forms. The person either does not take responsibility when they should by blaming others or they go beyond taking responsibility for their actions into dwelling on overly negative thoughts about their character. Neither of these options is helpful to the person experiencing guilt or to the person to whom they caused harm.

Acting opposite when we experience guilt involves taking responsibility for actions which have harmed others and taking steps to make amends. This latter step may include apologizing, making restitution and having a plan to avoid causing harm going forward. In contrast with acting on instinct, acting opposite in these ways when we experience guilt is helpful to the person experiencing the guilt and to the person to whom they caused harm.

Some final words on acting the opposite

It may be helpful for you to work with a psychologist to help you act the opposite when you experience the emotions discussed in this article. For more information on the value of acting the opposite, there is an excellent discussion in Stress Resets by Dr. Jennifer L. Taitz.

May you act the opposite when you experience challenging emotions,

-Dr. Pat