Coping with criticism: The key to managing social anxiety

In my last article, I discussed how the two elements of catastrophic thinking can be targeted to reduce anxiety to a manageable level of intensity when the issue is social anxiety. I indicated that coping with criticism should be the focus when targeting these elements. In the following sections, I will discuss strategies which can be used for this purpose.

Assertive defense of the self

Psychologist Dr. Christine Padesky created a psychological skill called ‘assertive defense of the self’ to help people cope with being judged and criticized. It is a skill which helps people to reduce their anxiety in social situations to manageable levels.

Dr. Padesky developed this skill when she determined that existing skills for treating social anxiety issues were ineffective compared to skills used for treating other anxiety issues such as phobias. Treating phobias entailed helping clients face their feared situations and learning that they could cope with them. In contrast, treatment for social anxiety issues entailed helping clients to restructure their thinking to recognize their tendency to assume people were judging or criticizing them when the evidence indicated otherwise.

Dr. Padesky realized that social anxiety treatment needed to use the same strategies as phobia treatment by helping clients cope with what they feared—judgments and criticisms—rather than trying to convince themselves that they were not being judged or criticized. Once she began helping her clients cope with the judgments and criticisms which they feared by using the skills she created for this purpose, her clients’ anxiety in social situations reduced to manageable levels.

How the skill works: List anticipated criticisms and assertive defenses

To use assertive defense of the self, begin by listing criticisms and judgments which you expect to face in a particular social situation. These include criticisms and judgments which people may level at you verbally. They also include criticisms and judgments which you believe others are thinking about you even if they do not express them. For example, leading up to a speech or presentation at school or work, you may list expected criticisms like, ‘They’ll think I’m stupid’, ‘They’ll think I’m a terrible speaker’ and ‘They’ll think I don’t know what I’m talking about’.

Next, construct ‘assertive defenses’ to each anticipated judgment or criticism. These are statements which defend you against the criticism. If there is truth in the criticism, acknowledge this in your defense. However, for parts of the criticism which are false, you can include a statement which assertively refutes this. For example, for the criticism ‘They’ll think I’m stupid if I stumble over my words’, a good assertive defense would be, ‘Although I sometimes stumble over my words when I get nervous, that doesn’t mean I’m stupid. In fact, many intelligent people sometimes stumble over their words when they give speeches, and I have lots of evidence that I am smart.’

Practice responding to anticipated criticisms with assertive defenses

After you have listed your anticipated criticisms and assertive defenses, practice responding to each anticipated criticism with the corresponding assertive defense. Practice should begin in a safe setting—preferably with a therapist who is skilled in helping clients use the technique.

Role plays in which the therapist delivers the criticism and the client responds with their assertive defense help the client get used to the emotional impact of the criticism and cope by responding with the assertive defense. Repeated practice leads the client to become ‘desensitized’ so that criticism has less emotional impact.

Once you have gained confidence practicing in a safe setting, you are ready to practice it in social situations in which you are likely to encounter real or imagined criticisms. Most of this practice will be done in your head as you imagine criticisms people are making of you rather than responding verbally to criticisms which people express.

For example, if you were giving a speech and you stumbled over your words, you could practice thinking of the criticism ‘They’ll think I’m stupid if I stumble over my words’ and responding with the assertive defense, ‘Although I sometimes stumble over my words when I get nervous, that doesn’t mean I’m stupid. In fact, many intelligent people sometimes stumble over their words when they give speeches, and I have lots of evidence that I am smart.’

Whether to defend out loud or in your head

On most occasions, you will be responding with assertive defenses in your head rather than out loud. One reason for this is that the perceived criticisms which occur in your head happen more often than criticisms which others express.

A second reason is that it may be unwise to respond out loud with an assertive defense. Examples include work situations in which it may be prudent not to respond out loud to a criticism from a supervisor, social situations in which ‘letting it go’ verbally may be wise to prevent a ‘scene’, and relationship interactions in which responding aloud with an assertive defense may provoke an abusive or violent response. In these situations, responding with an assertive defense in your head can help you manage your anxiety while you withhold a verbal response.

Having said that, in appropriate circumstances you may decide to articulate your assertive defense verbally to an expressed judgment or criticism.

Does using this skill increase defensiveness?

Despite the significant benefit of this skill in coping with criticism, one may consider a potential drawback. That is, given that the skill focuses on defending oneself against criticism, could this lead someone to become more defensive? That is, could it lead a person not to take responsibility when legitimate concerns are raised through constructive criticism?

Ironically, using this skill leads people to become less defensive. That is, they are more likely to take responsibility when legitimate concerns are raised. The reason is that perceived nonconstructive criticisms of the person’s character which go beyond the constructive criticism of their actions are more likely to be recognized as in one’s head and tamped down using assertive defense of the self.

For example, if a supervisor constructively raises a legitimate issue with their employee regarding their actions (such as their having made an error), the employee who uses this skill can defend in their head against any ‘self-inflicted’ criticism such as thinking that they are incompetent or stupid. This would make it easier for the employee to take ownership of the error that they made rather than responding defensively.

May you use assertive defense of the self to cope with criticism,

-Dr. Pat