Two reasons for avoiding social interaction and how to address them

I often work with clients whose goal is to overcome avoidance of social interaction. These clients typically struggle with an approach-avoidance conflict in which a person has a desire to do something because of the potential rewards but is also afraid to do it because of the potential costs.

That is, one part of them wants to interact with others to obtain benefits such as enjoying activities and conversations along with the opportunity to make friendships and/or develop romantic relationships. At the same time, another part of them wants to avoid interacting with others because it is considered not worth it from a cost-benefit analysis standpoint.

In the following sections, I will explain why some people avoid social interaction from a cost-benefit analysis standpoint. I will also discuss how issues can be addressed which will make it more likely a person will want to engage in social interaction in order to reap the benefits of doing so.

Two reasons for avoiding social interaction

Social skills deficits

One reason people avoid social interaction is that they lack confidence in using social skills which allow them to perform effectively in and thereby enjoy interacting with others. Among these are ways to initiate conversations, how to make appropriate eye contact, appropriate turn-taking, appropriate amounts and intimacy of self-disclosure, asking questions and listening attentively.

It can be challenging to become aware of and use particular social skills and to integrate them effectively in social interaction. Failure to so do successfully can make it difficult to perform effectively in social interaction and to enjoy it. In turn, this can produce frustration which makes it more likely a person will choose to avoid social interaction.

Anxiety and fear of negative evaluations

A second reason people avoid social interaction is that they experience discomfort in the form of high levels of anxiety. This is characterized by unpleasant physical sensations such as increased heart rate and muscle tension. These sensations are the opposite of a relaxed physical feeling which is conducive to performing well at and enjoying social interaction.

The anxiety is typically ‘driven’ by negative thoughts people have which focus on being criticized, judged and negatively evaluated in the situation such as “They think I’m a loser” as well as negative thoughts about not performing effectively or embarrassing oneself (“Those were such stupid comments I made in that conversation”).

Not surprisingly, people who have strong anxiety accompanied by these kinds of negative thoughts also find it difficult to perform effectively in social interaction and to enjoy it. In turn, this can produce frustration which makes it more likely that the person will choose to avoid social interaction.

How to address the reasons for avoiding social interaction

Social skills deficits

Social skills deficits which lead people to avoid social interaction can be addressed by practicing the social skills which need work. The most common way to do this is by role-playing social situations in which these skills can be used.

For example, in working with someone who finds it difficult to have conversations the client and I would do role-plays in which the client would get a chance to practice social skills which would help them to be effective in having a conversation.

As a homework assignment, the client would practice the skills in role-plays with trusted friends or family members and begin applying the skills in social situations. As with any skill, the more a person practices social skills the more they become proficient at them. In turn, this leads them to have greater success and enjoyment in social interaction so that they are more likely to approach than to avoid such situations going forward.

Anxiety and fear of negative evaluations

Anxiety and fear of negative evaluations which lead people to avoid social interaction can be addressed by doing consistent exposure to social situations while practicing coping skills and gathering data from behavioural experiments.

Consistent exposure to social situations has two benefits which help a person to overcome avoidance of social interaction. One is that greater exposure leads to desensitization—a reduction in the intensity of anxiety. Secondly, consistent exposure leads to a person having the opportunity to learn that they can cope and perform effectively in social situations.

The aforementioned benefits of consistent exposure to social situations are more likely to occur if the person practices coping skills in these situations. Among the most effective coping skills is ‘assertive defense of the self’.

This is a cognitive skill developed by psychologist Dr. Christine Padesky. The technique features the following steps: (1) List specific criticisms or judgments you believe others may direct toward you or are thinking about you which are contributing to your social anxiety; (2) For each anticipated criticism or judgment, construct an ‘assertive defense’ to the criticism or judgment which lessens the negative impact of the criticism or judgment; (3) Practice, either by yourself or in role-plays with your psychologist or another person you trust, exposing yourself to each criticism or judgment and responding to it with the assertive defense you created.

There are different strategies you can use to construct your assertive defenses. One way is by using evidence to challenge the basis of the criticism. For example, if you were anxious because you were thinking others are criticizing you for being “a loser” your assertive defense might involve reminding yourself of things you do well and your plans to improve in the areas in which you are lacking.

A second way to construct assertive defenses is typically used when the evidence indicates that criticism has some validity. This technique involves acknowledging that the criticism is accurate but constructing a statement which allows you to feel good about yourself despite this acknowledgement. For example, if you were anxious in a social situation because you believed others were thinking negatively about you as a result of your experiencing anxiety, your assertive defense might take the form of the following, “It’s true that I experience anxiety, but that’s OK because actually anxiety is an emotion we all experience.”
When you engage in consistent exposure to social situations while practicing coping skills like assertive defense of the self, you will also find it helpful to gather data from behavioural experiments. This data comes in the form of evaluations of predictions you make regarding how well you expect to perform in social situations and how effectively you expect to cope with your anxiety.

When people with strong anxiety in social situations perform such experiments, they typically find that they obtain substantial evidence which runs counter to their assumptions that they will not perform effectively in social situations and that they will not be able to cope with their anxiety. This data gives the person greater confidence in these situations which makes them open to continue to engage in consistent exposure to them. Doing so allows them to become more comfortable in social interaction with a concomitant increase in enjoyment and a greater tendency to approach rather than avoid social situations.

May you approach rather than avoid social interaction and derive enjoyment from it,

Dr. Pat