Relationships

In this article, I discuss criteria you can use to determine whether you are being defensive and how to proceed once you have determined this. I encounter the terms defensive and defensiveness often. For example, they arise frequently when I work with couples on how to communicate constructively about issues. In that regard, one of the negative communication patterns known as the ‘four horsemen of the apocalypse’ identified by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman is defensiveness. I also often hear one person tell another person in a discussion that they are being defensive—both in and apart from couples counselling conversations. My experience with the terms defensive and defensiveness has led me to arrive at two conclusions: (1) the terms are often misused and misunderstood; (2) there is a need for more knowledge on how a person should proceed once they have determined whether they are being defensive. In the following sections, I will discuss how to know whether you are being defensive and how to act on this knowledge...[more]

In this article, I discuss the thought-provoking messages contained in an episode of an old television series. Recently, I have been enjoying watching reruns of episodes of the landmark television series The Twilight Zone. Created by Rod Serling, the series began airing before I was born so I was unable to catch the episodes in their first run. Most episodes of the half-hour drama featured unusual scenarios which stimulated viewers to think outside the box and provided important life lessons. In the following sections, I will discuss the lessons provided by one such episode entitled A Nice Place to Visit...[more]

In this article, I discuss findings from research and from my experience on the effectiveness of in-person therapy compared with other options. For the first several years of my career, I did therapy with clients in only one form—in person and face-to-face. Over time, circumstances occasionally led me to conduct sessions with clients using other modes including virtual or video, phone, and email. The coronavirus pandemic resulted in the use of these alternatives to in-person sessions for me and other therapists becoming more frequent. Now that many therapists have returned to the pre-pandemic routine of conducting most of their sessions in person, I thought it would be helpful to discuss the effectiveness of in-person therapy compared with the alternatives. Given that many therapists and clients have considered continuing the use of these alternatives, such a discussion could help clients make informed choices regarding their preferred therapy mode. In the following sections, I will discuss findings from research and from my experience on the effectiveness of in-person therapy compared with other options...[more]

In this article, I discuss the right time and the right way for therapists to give advice to their clients. In my last article, I discussed the case for and against therapists giving advice to their clients while noting that giving advice in therapy entails the therapist offering ideas to help clients address their issues. Because clients may be more likely to accept and act on their own ideas, I indicated that my default approach in therapy is to use informational and analytical questioning to guide clients to generate their own ideas rather than offering them ideas. Having said that, I added that if I identify circumstances under which I believe that offering my ideas could be helpful, I don’t hesitate to do so. However, I follow certain guidelines when offering my ideas to make if more likely that the client will accept and act on them. In the following sections, I will discuss the guidelines which I follow when offering my ideas to clients...[more]

In this article, I discuss my views on whether therapists should give advice to their clients. I was recently having conversations with two psychologist colleagues on the topic of whether psychologists should give advice to their clients. One colleague was adamant that advice should be given as infrequently as possible. The second psychologist was more open to the practice. This psychologist said whether they would give advice depends on various factors. In the following sections, I will explore the issue of whether therapists should give advice to their clients..[more]

In this article, I discuss how using four core interviewing skills can facilitate positive relationships with people in both therapeutic and non-therapeutic settings. Much of my work with clients entails interviewing them. This not only helps me to gather information necessary to understand them and their issues. The way I interview clients also helps me to build effective working relationships with them. It is based on four interviewing skills which can also be helpful in building relationships with people in settings outside of therapy. I will discuss these skills in the following sections...[more]