The three laws of emotional mastery

One of the most impactful articles I have read is The Three Laws of Emotional Mastery. Written by Noam Shpancer, PhD, it appeared in the May 4, 2021 edition of Psychology Today. I have used the concepts discussed in the article to help many clients with the challenging task of managing their emotions.

In the following sections, I will discuss the three laws of emotional mastery and how they can benefit you in different areas of your life.

The first law: Think accurately

Thinking in a negatively biased manner in which you focus disproportionately on evidence supporting your ‘hot thoughts’ elevates the intensity of emotions like anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness and guilt. In turn, this makes it difficult to accept and manage these emotions.

On the other hand, thinking accurately entails considering all the information rather than focusing on the negative. Balanced thoughts look at the evidence both supporting and not supporting your hot thoughts. The result is that the intensity of your emotions decreases. This makes it easier to accept and manage your emotions.

The second law: Neither deny nor obey emotions—accept them

Because the emotions I mentioned are typically unpleasant to experience, it is tempting to try to avoid them and even deny having them. Some of this denial is fuelled by messages that you should not have these emotions.

Unfortunately, denying emotions leads to futile attempts to resist them. This only adds to the intensity of the emotions you experience and therefore makes it harder to accept and manage them.

Obeying emotions is as equally counterproductive as denying them. This entails engaging in the cognitive distortion known as ‘emotional reasoning’ in which you assume that your emotional state is necessarily an accurate reflection of reality. For example, if you experience strong anxiety you may assume this means that you are going to be faced with a threatening event and that you will be unable to cope with it if it occurs.

In fact, there are many instances of strong anxiety when we overestimate the likelihood of a threatening event occurring and/or we underestimate our ability to cope with it. In other words, obeying our emotions blindly is an ineffective strategy.

However, it is also unwise to disregard our emotions because they often provide us with helpful information regarding effective ways think and behave.. As Dr. Shpancer put it well, emotions are good consultants but poor executives.

In this regard, using the strategy of accepting emotions rather than denying or obeying them leads to the best outcomes.  For example, if you accept anxiety rather than denying it, you can ‘consult’ with it to determine how to proceed rather than obeying it by assuming it means there is necessarily an impending threat with which you will be unable to cope.

Consulting may in some instances lead you to determine that there is indeed an impending threat with which you would be unable to cope and therefore you should take action to steer clear of the threat. In other cases, consulting may lead you to conclude that there is an upcoming challenge you will be facing but that you have what it takes to cope with that challenge.

The third law: Tolerate short-term pain to avert long-term suffering

Virtually every fulfilling and enjoyable endeavour in the areas of work and education, relationships, hobbies and interests and leisure activities entails tolerating short-term emotional pain. This pain comes from experiencing emotions like anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration, and guilt.

It is understandable that someone would want to avoid this short-term emotional pain by refraining from engaging in these potentially enjoyable and fulfilling activities. Unfortunately, avoiding short-term emotional pain comes at a huge price of experiencing long-term emotional suffering. This suffering comes from depriving yourself of enjoyment and fulfillment which are the potential rewards of engaging in these activities.

So, the better choice is to tolerate the short-term pain to avert long-term suffering. The good news is that there are strategies you can practice which make it easier to tolerate the short-term pain. These include following the first two laws of emotional mastery—think accurately and neither deny nor obey emotions but accept them. The more you practice these and other emotion-management strategies, the easier it gets to accept the short-term pain as the price for obtaining long-term enjoyment and fulfillment.

Follow the three laws in tandem for the best results

For the best results in managing your emotions, you should follow the three laws of emotional mastery in tandem because they reinforce each other. It may be helpful for you to work with a therapist trained in emotion-management skills as you learn and practice the three laws.

May you learn and apply the three laws of emotional mastery,

-Dr. Pat