Asking ‘why’ in counselling can sometimes be helpful and at other times can be unhelpful. In this article, I discuss how and when to ask ‘why’ so that doing so is beneficial to your progress.
As a Calgary psychologist and a Cochrane psychologist, I often help my clients answer the question ‘why’. Indeed, for some clients getting answers to their ‘why’ questions is the primary goal of counselling. ‘Why do I behave in this way’; ‘Why do others dislike me?’; ‘Why do bad things happen to me?’; and ‘Why is my partner abusive?’ are just a few of the ‘why’ questions for which my clients have sought answers. In assisting my clients in their desire to find answers to their ‘why’ questions, I make sure to go about this task in a manner which will be helpful. In this regard, I warn my clients that there are many instances in which focusing on ‘why’ questions can be counterproductive. In the next section, I will discuss several such examples.
When is it unhelpful to focus on why in counselling?
In my experience, the most common instances in which focusing on why in counselling is unhelpful are:
(1) When answering the question is not an important factor in making progress. In many instances, understanding why is unnecessary to address the issue. In these cases, time would be better spent focusing on steps and strategies which are important in making progress. For example, clients whose goals are to overcome fears of specific stimuli or situations can make the most rapid progress by gradually exposing themselves to the feared stimuli or situations in small steps while applying strategies allowing them to cope with their anxiety during this exposure. Spending a lot of time exploring and discussing why the clients have these fears is unlikely to lead to progress and this will be at the expense of implementing the aforementioned strategies which are most conducive to making progresss.
(2) When the ‘why’ questions being asked do not lead to answers which are helpful. This second common unhelpful use of ‘why’ questions typically involves clients either searching in vain for answers to their questions or engaging in unhelpful ruminating on the answers instead of using them to help address their issues. I encountered examples of this type of unhelpful use of ‘why’ questions as a facilitator for both women’s and men’s groups focused on helping clients who were victims of abuse in their relationships. Clients in these groups would often stray from the topic at hand into a series of ‘why’ questions such as ‘why are men such jerks?’ or ‘why do the courts favour women over men?’ These kinds of ‘why’ discussions rarely produced answers which were helpful to the clients and instead served primarily as a form of ruminating on their frustration and anger toward their partners and the other gender. Clients’ time was better spent in those groups learning and applying skills to help them address their abusive situations and heal from the emotional effects of the abuse.
When is it helpful to focus on why in counselling?
As you may have guessed, two conditions under which asking why is helpful are the opposites of the two conditions under which asking why is unhelpful. These ‘helpful’ conditions are as follows:
(1) When answering the question is an important factor in making progress. For some issues, answering ‘whys’ is pivotal to making progress. For such issues, I encourage my clients to ask these questions. One such issue is when a person is repeatedly engaging in a behaviour which they claim they would like to stop engaging in because of the behaviour’s negative effects on their life. A ‘go-to’ strategy in such cases is to help the person understand why they engage in the behaviour despite its negative consequences. Once the person has answered these ‘why’ questions, they become aware of the benefits the behaviour brings them. They can then work on finding ways to obtain these benefits without having to engage in the problematic behaviour. Procrastination, cheating on one’s partner, getting involved in unhealthy relationships, binge-eating, gambling, and substance use are some of the problem behaviour patterns for which asking and answering ‘why’ questions is recommended.
(2) When the ‘why’ questions being asked lead to answers which are helpful. A second criterion to decide whether you should ask certain ‘why’ questions is to notice whether the answers you obtain are helpful in addressing your issue. For example, if asking ‘why’ your relationship ended leads you to answers which will help you improve your relationships going forward, then asking ‘why’ questions is a good idea in this situation. If asking why your parents sometimes did not treat you well when you were a child leads you to answers which help you decrease the resentment you have toward them which is interfering with your life, then asking ‘why’ makes sense for you in this situation.
In short, it is good advice to let the results speak for themselves in your decision whether to continue to engage in a particular ‘why’ inquiry. If asking ‘why’ in a given case achieves good results for you, then you’re on the right track. If it doesn’t, then you should get off that ‘why’ track.
May your ‘why’ questions produce answers which will help you,
-Dr. Pat
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