In this article, I discuss the couples counselling approach of working together to improve your relationship—an approach which gets the best results for both partners.
In my work with couples as a Calgary psychologist and a Cochrane psychologist, I regularly try to identify factors which make the difference between success and failure in using counselling to try to improve relationships. One of the factors I’ve identified is whether one or both partners take a collaborative or a competitive approach to the goal of improving their relationship.
The collaborative approach involves both partners working together to improve their relationship by jointly addressing problem areas in the relationship. This might include taking steps to spend more time connecting with each other to improve the relationship friendship as well as learning and applying skills so that they can discuss issues and problems more constructively.
In the competitive approach, one or both partners focus on the other person as the primary cause of the relationship’s problems. This, in turn, leads the focus for improving the relationship to be on having their partner make changes according to their standards. There is little to no attention in the competitive approach to each partner taking responsibility for changes each of them can make as individuals or changes they can make by working together to improve the relationship.
Why do some people prefer the competitive approach?
Although my answer to this question is somewhat speculative, I believe that some people in couples counselling prefer a competitive approach because they believe it is the best or only way to improve their relationships. What goes hand in hand with this belief is the belief that their partner addressing their concerns as soon as possible is the only way to improve the relationship as well as the belief that focusing on their partner as the primary cause of the relationship’s problems is the best way to get their partner to address their concerns.
How effective is the competitive approach?
My short answer to this question is, ‘not very’. Perhaps the main reason for this approach’s ineffectiveness is that neither partner will typically be happy with taking sole responsibility for the relationship’s problems and for being the only one of the two partners required to make changes to address the other’s concerns. The probability of the competitive approach working is even less when, as is typical, the partner requesting the changes of the other does so in a non-constructive and critical manner. Any chance that the other person might make the requested changes is virtually eliminated as a result of them tuning out any valid points in the message because of the aggressive manner in which the message is delivered.
Please note that I strongly believe there are circumstances under which it is appropriate for one partner to be primarily responsible for making changes to improve the relationship. These include instances in which one partner is having or has had an affair and those in which one of the partners is perpetrating abuse on the other. In such cases, it is reasonable and appropriate that the focus of counselling be on one of the partners making changes to address the other person’s concerns.
Why the collaborative approach tends to get better results
Both partners working together to improve their relationship reduces the likelihood of either partner feeling blamed for the relationship’s problems. In turn, this decreases defensiveness in response to suggestions for changes each partner can make to improve the relationship. Less defensiveness among both partners increases the likelihood that each partner will be motivated to address each other’s concerns. This contrasts with the defensiveness which pervades the competitive approach and interferes with the partners being motivated to address one another’s concerns. The irony is that the more one partner fixates on the other needing to address their concerns as the focus of counselling, the less likely that partner is to have their concerns addressed.
How to facilitate a collaborative approach in your relationship counselling
You and your partner can increase the likelihood of your relationship counselling moving in a collaborative direction by making it clear at the outset that, while each of you would like to have your respective concerns addressed, you want to focus on working together to improve your relationship. This will make it easier for your therapist to use a collaborative approach in sessions as well as in the homework they assign you to complete between sessions. You and your partner will also be more motivated to stick to a collaborative approach if you track how well this approach is addressing each of your concerns and leading you toward your overarching goal of improving your relationship.
May your relationship counselling be collaborative,
-Dr. Pat
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