Appreciation in relationships: A powerful tool

One of the most efficient and effective exercises which I have couples with whom I’m working do is one in which they express appreciation for each other. The first step in the exercise entails each partner listing at least five positive characteristics which they appreciate about the other. While doing so, they are to try also to list an incident which illustrates the characteristic ‘in action’. In the second step, the partners take turns telling the other of each of the characteristics which they appreciate about them and the incidents illustrating them.

This exercise has positive effects on both partners whenever I have had them do it in session. It also typically leads to homework which can lead to even greater and long-lasting positive effects on the relationship. In the following sections, I will discuss these benefits for the relationship and how building on the exercise can maintain and even add to these benefits.

Relationship benefit 1: It starts a cycle of positivity

Listing the positive characteristics of your partner increases your awareness of what you appreciate in your partner. This generates positive emotion in you which is likely to lead you to behave positively more frequently toward your partner.

In turn, the positive ‘vibes’ you give off toward your partner because you are thinking of characteristics you appreciate in them is likely to lead to your partner having positive thoughts about you. In turn, this leads them to experience positive emotions more often when they are around you and they display positive behaviours toward you.

In other words, thinking of the characteristics which you appreciate in each other initiates a cycle of positivity in terms of thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Having this cycle in operation is good for your relationship.

Relationship benefit 2: It addresses one of the five love languages

Telling each other which characteristics you appreciate about them and why is a way to nurture one of the five love languages identified by Dr. Gary Chapman. According to Dr. Chapman, people in relationships differ in how they like love expressed to them by their partners.

One way to express love is via the love language Dr. Chapman labels ‘words of affirmation’. For those people who have this as one of their primary or secondary love languages, hearing their partners tell them which characteristics they appreciate about them is an effective way to help these people feel loved by their partners.

Relationship benefit 3: It fosters a balanced view of each other and the relationship

Being aware of what you and your partner appreciate about each other fosters a balanced view of each other and the relationship. This balanced view contrasts with an overly negative view of each other and the relationship which occurs when you both focus on the negative characteristics of each other and the relationship. To ensure that this balanced view occurs regularly, I recommend that the ‘I appreciate’ exercise be done on a regular basis so that both partners’ awareness of what they appreciate in each other is facilitated.

A fun way to do the exercise to achieve this goal entails each partner keeping track of situations in which they observe one of their partner’s positive characteristics displayed and then writing it down in a notebook. This way of doing the exercise facilitates the process of ‘scanning for the positives’ which is a proven way to move toward a balanced view of one’s partner and the relationship. This form of the exercise can be complemented by having each partner express to the other the positive characteristics which they observed and appreciated that day.

Relationship benefit 4: It makes it easier to manage conflict while discussing issues

Being aware of what you appreciate in each other and expressing this appreciation is one way a couple can make deposits of positivity into what relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls the ‘emotional bank account’ of the relationship. In turn, Dr. Gottman indicates that having the emotional bank account well stocked with these positive deposits contributes to both partners developing a positive perspective on each other and the relationship.

Although having this positive perspective is beneficial in terms of the experience of positive emotions and actions which stem from it, Dr. Gottman has indicated that it leads to the additional benefit of the couple finding it easier to manage conflict while discussing issues.

This benefit occurs because of ‘positive sentiment override’—a positive mindset the two partners have while discussing issues which stems from the positive perspective they developed by making positive deposits into the relationship’s emotional bank account. Positive sentiment override acts as a buffer against discussions of issues ‘going sideways’ and facilitates constructive dialogue, empathic listening and compromise.

In closing, the benefits to a relationship of both partners being aware of what they appreciate in each other and expressing this appreciation are myriad and significant. It is a simple and effective tool which can be used to enhance a relationship.

May you and your relationship partner be aware of what you appreciate about each other and express this appreciation to each other,

Dr. Pat