Ask not what your relationship can do for you–Ask what you can do for your relationship

In this article, I discuss how each partner can take action on their own to improve their relationship and the beneficial effects which occur when they do so.

One of the most famous quotes in history comes from the late United States president John F. Kennedy. In the speech he gave at his inauguration, President Kennedy stated, “And so, my fellow Americans: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” Those memorable words speak to the value of each citizen taking the initiative to do their part for the good of their nation.

The same notion of which JFK spoke can be applied to individuals taking the initiative to do their part for the good of their relationships. In the following sections, I will suggest some answers to the question “What can you do for your relationship?” and discuss how acting on your answers can have significant positive effects on your relationship.

What you can do for your relationship

Here are some ideas for actions you can take on your own to improve your relationship:

Make bids for connection –Initiating bids for connecting with your relationship partner by making verbal or nonverbal overtures helps build friendship and intimacy.  It doesn’t matter who makes the bids so why not make them instead of waiting for your partner to do so? Bids for connection can be as simple as starting a conversation, expressing affection or suggesting an activity you can do together.

Initiate repair attempts –When things ‘go negative’ in a relationship, it takes a repair attempt to restore good relations. This can take the form of suggesting that you and your partner talk or, if appropriate, apologizing for your part in a dispute. Taking the lead by making repair attempts rather than waiting for your partner to do so is a good example of displaying leadership in a relationship context.

Practice skills to communicate constructively –I encourage each partner in relationships to focus on skills to communicate their points constructively rather than waiting to see if their partner is doing so. Starting discussions in a constructive rather than a critical manner, responding to your partner non-defensively and offering compromises are a few examples of skills one partner can be proactive in using for the benefit of the relationship.

Focus on improving yourself, not your partner –The couples who make the best progress in couples counselling and relationship counselling are those in which each partner focuses on what they can do to improve. In contrast, progress is slower when one or both partners focuses on changes the other needs to make with little or no indication that they could do something different themselves to contribute to the relationship’s improvement.

Benefits of asking what you can do for your relationship

Asking what you can do for your relationship leads to several benefits including the following:

It facilitates a cycle of positivity –Your taking the initiative to improve your relationship tends to lead to your partner responding positively. In turn, this leads to further positive behaviour from you, and so on. Even better, if both partners are taking the initiative to act positively the positive responses lead to an even more rapid development of positive feelings and behaviours.

It reduces stress by focusing on processes rather than outcomes –I encourage my clients to focus on processes when addressing their issues. Processes are behaviours, skills and strategies they perform which are completely within their control. This takes the focus off outcomes which are results not directly within your control. Asking what you can do to improve your relationship reduces stress for you and your partner by focusing on processes. In contrast, asking what your relationship can do for you by dwelling on the need for results which are outside your direct control increases your and your partner’s stress.

It moves your relationship away from a negative ‘tit for tat’ approach –The ‘tit for tat’ approach to relationships involves both partners keeping careful track of when each of them has behaved positively or negatively and using this as the main determinant of their future behaviour. Although following this reciprocity principle may be beneficial in certain contexts, research indicates that couples who focus on it have lower relationship satisfaction. Asking what you can do for your relationship moves you away from this ‘score-keeping’ mindset.

Experiment with asking what you can do for your relationship

An obstacle for some people in focusing on what they can do for their relationship is a fear that doing so may make it less likely that their partner will meet their needs. My suggestion in these instances is to experiment with doing what you can to improve the relationship to see its effects. Most people are pleasantly surprised to see that focusing on what they can do for their relationship makes it more likely that their partner will meet their needs because it facilitates a cycle of positivity which I described earlier in this article.

If your experiment reveals—as it may in a minority of cases—that focusing on what you can do for your relationship does not achieve desirable results, you can temporarily cease using this strategy to determine why it is not working in this relationship. In my experience as a Calgary psychologist and a Cochrane psychologist, such anomalous cases often indicate that you should explore whether it is wise to remain in that relationship.

May you ask what you can do for your relationship and enjoy the benefits of doing so,

-Dr. Pat