In this article, I discuss Gottman’s ‘Aftermath of a Fight’ technique.
Much of my work in couples counselling and relationship counselling involves teaching couples skills they can use to discuss issues constructively rather than having the discussions escalate into what most observers would label ‘fights’—verbal exchanges filled with non-constructive communication patterns such as criticism and defensiveness. Couples who practice these skills see their relationships improve as a result of their experiencing constructive discussions more frequently and fights less frequently.
Despite the success couples who use these skills have in reducing the frequency of fights, they cannot eliminate them entirely. Bad days, misunderstandings and one or both partners inadvertently saying something hurtful are among the factors which contribute to couples having fights despite their possessing a repertoire of constructive communication skills. When you also factor in the enormous number of interactions most couples have, it is not at all surprising that even couples who have mastered constructive communication skills will find themselves involved in fights from time to time.
It is therefore important for all couples to possess a set of skills to help them heal from fights to get their relationships back on track. Fortunately, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman provides these skills in the form of his ‘Aftermath of a Fight’ technique. I have used this technique in my work as a Calgary psychologist and a Cochrane psychologist and have found it to be very effective in helping couples to rebound positively from fights. In the following sections, I will describe the rationale behind the technique and the straightforward steps couples can follow to implement it.
How the technique fosters healing after a fight
‘Aftermath of a Fight’ operates on the premise that relationship discussions take a turn for the worse when each person believes that theirs is the only valid way of viewing the issue being discussed and that that their partner is either stupid or stubborn for not acknowledging this. Once each partner adopts this mindset, the discussion takes on the form of the proverbial ‘irresistible force’ colliding with the ‘immovable object’. From this point, the couple’s communication becomes laden with Dr. Gottman’s ‘four horsemen of the apocalypse’—criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.
The technique gently steers each partner in the direction of realizing that there is rarely one ‘objective reality’ of what happened during the fight. It does so by allowing each partner to inform the other of the thoughts and emotions which they experienced. This ultimately makes it possible for each partner to move toward a more understanding and compromising position to facilitate healing from the fight. I will next describe the specific steps in the technique which allow for this positive change to occur.
Steps in the technique
1. Each person tells their partner the specific feelings they were experiencing during the fight.
During the fight, the only emotion each person tends to see in their partner is anger. This first step helps them understand that there were a multitude of more vulnerable emotions which were driving their partner’s behaviour toward them.
2. Each person describes to their partner their ‘subjective reality’ during the fight.
This helps each person counter their initial view that their partner’s behaviour toward them was motivated by stupidity or stubbornness. Each person is encouraged to describe their view of the fight using phrases like “I heard you say…” rather than “You said…”. Each person describing what they experienced in this subjective manner makes it much easier for the other person to hear what they were experiencing without becoming defensive. The other partner then validates their partner’s subjective reality by describing what they heard they were experiencing. Being validated in this way is a key element of healing.
3. Each person describes events from their past which may have made them vulnerable to having the fight.
Difficult events in a person’s past lead to ‘enduring vulnerabilities’ in which their partner’s behaviour can trigger memories of certain thoughts and feelings they experienced during these events. The anger they feel toward their partner during the fight may be largely the result of their being unable to cope with these difficult thoughts and feelings. Each person recognizing in their partner their enduring vulnerabilities helps modify their initial negative view of what motivated their partner’s behaviour toward them during the fight.
4. Each person takes responsibility for their role in the fight.
Recent events leading one to feel burned out or overly stressed can also trigger negative thoughts and feelings toward their partner. This step helps each partner become aware of factors such as these which set them up for the miscommunication they displayed during the fight. In turn, this makes it easier for each person to acknowledge their role in the fight.
5. Both partners create a plan to make the discussion go better next time.
Each person takes a turn sharing one thing their partner can do to make the discussion go better next time followed by one thing they can do to achieve this improved result. Ideas in this regard can be garnered from the information gathered in the previous steps. Writing out the plan helps to ensure it will be followed the next time out so that a fight is less likely to occur.
A therapist skilled in working with couples using Dr. Gottman’s model can help you learn to apply the ‘Aftermath of a Fight’ technique to your relationships.
May you learn skills to heal from fights in your relationships,
-Dr. Pat
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