In this article, I discuss the cornerstones of a good relationship friendship and how to achieve them in your relationship.
According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, one of the most important factors in having a good relationship is building and maintaining a strong relationship friendship. The reasons for the relationship friendship’s importance to overall relationship satisfaction are many. One is that enjoying time with a partner in friendship-based interactions is typically the primary reason for having an intimate relationship. That is, not many couples begin their relationships with the goal of discussing issues and problems even though this is ‘part of the game’ in such relationships.
In addition, having a solid friendship results in the couple making deposits to what Dr. Gottman refers to as the relationship’s ‘emotional bank account’. When this account has a positive balance, research indicates the couple are more likely to have positive thoughts and feelings about each other and the relationship on a regular basis. This is obviously good for the relationship in and of itself. However, the positive perspective stemming from a good relationship friendship leads to the additional benefit of ‘positive sentiment override’—a positive mindset which both partners have when they discuss issues and problems. Having this positive mindset increases the likelihood that such discussions will be constructive.
Given the tremendous benefits of having a good relationship friendship, it is important that couples have a ‘game plan’ to build a good relationship friendship, to maintain the friendship at a high-quality level and to repair the friendship when it has been neglected. In the following sections, I will discuss the three key areas to target in order to have a high-quality relationship friendship.
Component 1: Love maps
Love maps involve you and your partner having extensive knowledge of each other. This includes facts about each other (e.g., where you were born, your favourite foods), knowledge of each other’s current lives (such as recent positive and negative events you’ve each experienced) along with knowledge of each other’s pasts. The latter element of love maps includes both aspects of your pasts of which you are proud along with difficult times you’ve each experienced. Finally, love maps also includes knowledge of each other’s hopes and dreams.
The best way to build love maps is to take the time to inform each other on these various knowledge areas by asking each other to share. Exercises which help couples build their love maps appear in Dr. Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. For example, the ’20 Questions Game’ tests each relationship partner’s knowledge of facts about the other.
Component 2: Fondness and admiration
The ‘fondness and admiration’ system involves both partners in a relationship expressing fondness and admiration toward each other in words and actions. Doing so results in each partner feeling appreciated by the other and enhances awareness of what they appreciate in each other. As with love maps, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has exercises couples can use to build their fondness and admiration system. For example, the ‘I appreciate’ exercise entails each partner choosing listing characteristics they appreciate in each other and asks them to think of incidents which illustrate those characteristics. ‘A seven-week course in fondness and admiration’ requires each partner to think one thought and perform one action to build fondness and admiration every day for seven weeks. The latter exercise helps to build fondness and admiration into your relationship on a regular basis with ongoing benefits to your relationship friendship.
Component 3: Making and accepting bids for connection
The third element of the relationship friendship is ‘turning toward’ your partner. This involves making and accepting bids for connection with each other. Regularly scheduling enjoyable activities nurtures turning toward as does you and your partner connecting verbally through conversation and physically by expressing affection. Two key points about bids for connection are that both partners should make bids frequently and accept bids from the other as much as possible as doing so leads to a strong relationship friendship.
Focusing on these three components will help you and your partner build a strong relationship friendship which comes with the many benefits I mentioned. To do so, you may find it helpful to attend relationship counselling or marriage counselling with a therapist who is well versed in using Dr. Gottman’s ‘Sound Relationship House’ model. I use this model to guide my work in couples counselling as a Calgary psychologist and a Cochrane psychologist.
May you take your relationship friendship to the next level,
-Dr. Pat
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