How to communicate constructively in a relationship: Direct and indirect strategies

When I work with couples to help them improve their relationships, one of the most common areas of focus is on helping the two partners communicate constructively with each other regarding issues. Doing so helps the couple to resolve issues which are capable of being resolved and to dialogue about ongoing issues which are difficult to resolve in a manner which reduces the negative impact of these issues on their relationship.

There are a multitude of strategies which couples can use to help them communicate constructively. Some of these strategies may be viewed as ‘direct’ strategies which focus on the couple’s communication about the issue at hand. Other strategies can be considered ‘indirect’ ones which focus on factors other than the communication itself but which affect the ability to communicate constructively. I will discuss these strategies in the following sections.

Direct strategies

Avoid the four horsemen and use their antidotes instead

The ‘four horsemen’ is relationship expert Dr. John Gottman’s term for negative ways of communicating which will lead to the demise of the relationship if they go unchecked. The four horsemen included: (1) Criticism—attacking your partner personally; (2) Defensiveness—not taking any responsibility for your role in the issue; (3) Stonewalling—tuning out your partner like a ‘stone wall’; and (4) Contempt—looking down on your partner from a position of superiority with mocking, sarcasm and eye-rolling.

One strategy to communicate constructively is to use the ‘antidotes’ to the four horsemen to express your concerns. These include: (1) Complaint as the antidote to criticism—focus on the behavior or the other person and your feelings about it rather than attacking them personally; (2) Accepting responsibility for your role in the issue is the antidote to defensiveness; (3) Self-soothing or taking a time out is the antidote to stonewalling so that you can listen to your partner while they express their concerns; (4) Describing your own feelings and needs is the antidote to contempt.

Allow for the expression of thoughts and feelings at the root of the issue

Constructive communication is facilitated by exploring the roots of the issue which lie beneath the surface disagreement. This entails giving each partner the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings regarding the issue while the other partner listens actively and then reflects back what they heard their partner say. This way of communicating builds empathy and can often lead to both partners taking action to address the concerns of the other which have been unearthed.

Choose the right time to start and continue discussions of issues

You have a much better chance of communicating constructively if you choose a time to communicate in which you are in an emotional state which is conducive to constructive communication. To make this happen, have you and your partner tell the other whether you are on ‘green light’—a relatively lower stress emotional state conducive to communicating constructively—or on ‘red light’—a relatively higher stress emotional state which is not conductive to communicating constructively (what Dr. Gottman refers to as being ‘flooded’).

If you are both on green light, you can proceed with confidence that the discussion has a good chance of being constructive. If one or both of you is on red light, you can agree to postpone the discussion until a later time when you are both on green light.

You can also use the traffic light system by agreeing to take a time out from the discussion if one or both of you recognizes that you have changed from green light to red light during the discussion. This strategy prevents you from continuing when you are no longer likely to be constructive. You can then agree to continue the discussion at a later time when you are both on green light and therefore more likely to communicate constructively.

Indirect strategies

Have each partner address their individual issues

Each partner’s emotional well-being impacts the relationship which includes the ability to communicate constructively. That is, if each partner maintains their emotional well-being by using good mental health habits and addressing any issues which need to be addressed, their ability to communicate constructively will be enhanced.

On the other hand, if one or both partner has issues which are not being addressed, this will have a negative effect on their emotional well-being and, in turn, on the relationship. In this case, the ability to communicate constructively will be lower.

Each partner should therefore engage in habits which promote their emotional well-being and address any individual issues which can impact negatively on their emotional well-being. This will enhance the ability of both partners to communicate constructively.

Keep making deposits into the relationship’s emotional bank account

It is easier to communicate constructively if you have a strong relationship friendship with your partner. This occurs when you both make a point to make regular deposits into what Dr. Gottman calls the relationship’s ‘emotional bank account’.

These deposits are made by engaging in regular activities which strengthen the relationship friendship such as gathering ongoing knowledge about each other’s lives, expressing fondness and admiration toward each other, making and accepting what Dr. Gottman calls ‘bids for connection’ through mutually enjoyable activities and other means, and expressing love to each other in their preferred ‘love languages’.

Making regular deposits into the relationship’s emotional bank account leads each partner to have a positive perspective on each other and the relationship. When discussing issues, this manifests itself as what Dr. Gottman calls ‘positive sentiment override’. This is a positive mindset each partner bring to the discussion. One of the primary benefits of positive sentiment override is that it increases the likelihood that each partner will communicate constructively about issues.

In contrast, when the relationship’s emotional bank account is depleted because the relationship friendship is not being nurtured, both partners are likely to have a negative perspective on each other and the relationship. This negative perspective manifests itself as ‘negative sentiment override’ during discussions of issues. This negative mindset makes it difficult for constructive communication to occur regardless of whether the partners are using direct strategies to help them achieve this goal.

May you and your relationship partner use both direct and indirect strategies to communicate constructively,

Dr. Pat