How to know whether you are being defensive: And how to act on this knowledge

I encounter the terms defensive and defensiveness often. For example, they arise frequently when I work with couples on how to communicate constructively about issues. In that regard, one of the negative communication patterns known as the ‘four horsemen of the apocalypse’ identified by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman is defensiveness. I also often hear one person tell another person in a discussion that they are being defensive—both in and apart from couples counselling conversations.

My experience with the terms defensive and defensiveness has led me to arrive at two conclusions: (1) the terms are often misused and misunderstood; (2) there is a need for more knowledge on how a person should proceed once they have determined whether they are being defensive. In the following sections, I will discuss how to know whether you are being defensive and how to act on this knowledge.

What is defensiveness?

The best definition of defensiveness I have seen is a person not taking full or partial responsibility for something for which the evidence indicates they should take responsibility. For example, if you had agreed to take out the garbage and your roommate pointed out that you had not taken it out, a defensive response would entail denying that you had agreed to take it out or telling your roommate to stop nagging you about it.

The worst kind of defensiveness

The worst kind of defensiveness is in response to someone raising a legitimate concern constructively. Using the previous example, it would be especially problematic to respond defensively if your roommate had respectfully pointed out that you had not taken out the garbage.

A less concerning type of defensiveness is in response to someone raising a concern in a nonconstructive manner. This happens when the person raises the concern by using another of Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse known as criticism. This involves using negative labels and/or extreme all-or-nothing statements. Using the previous example, this would entail your roommate saying, “You’re so lazy—you never take out the garbage!”

I call this type of defensiveness less concerning because it occurs in response to an issue being raised in a nonconstructive manner. When I observe this dynamic with couples who I am helping, I usually focus on guiding the person to raise their issue constructively. This often results in their partner responding nondefensively by taking responsibility when the facts warrant it.

Does not taking responsibility necessarily mean you are being defensive?

The answer to this question is no—not taking responsibility does not necessarily mean you are being defensive. This answer is clear when you consider the definition of defensiveness which I gave earlier. Defensiveness occurs person when a person does not take responsibility for something for which the evidence indicates they should take responsibility.

If the evidence does not indicate that the person should take responsibility, then they are not being defensive if they do not take responsibility when an issue is raised even if it were raised in a constructive manner. Using the previous example, it would not constitute defensiveness if you did not take responsibility for not taking the garbage out if the evidence indicated that it was not your responsibility to have taken it out.

How to proceed once you have determined whether you are being defensive

How to proceed once you have determined whether you are being defensive depends on your findings. In some instances, you may determine that you are being defensive—that is, that you are not taking responsibility for something for which the evidence indicates you should take responsibility.

In this case, you should take responsibility with your words and actions. Using the example, this would entail acknowledging that it was your responsibility to take out the garbage, apologizing for not having done so, and then taking it out.

In other situations, you may determine that you are not being defensive—that is, that you are not taking responsibility for something for which the evidence indicates you should not take responsibility. In this case, you should not take responsibility with your words and actions. Using the example, this would entail stating that it was not your responsibility to take out the garbage and then not taking it out.

How to respond to allegations that you are being defensive

When someone alleges that you are being defensive, you should neither accept uncritically that the allegation is correct nor should you dismiss it out of hand. Instead, you should assess the validity of the allegation with the available evidence.

In some instances, you may determine that the allegation is correct and in other cases you may determine that it is incorrect. In each case, you should act accordingly based on your evidentiary conclusion.

May you know whether you are being defensive and act on this knowledge,

-Dr. Pat