How to nurture your relationship friendship efficiently and conveniently

A key to success in any close relationship is having a strong relationship friendship. The entails the couple setting aside time regularly to engage in activities which build fondness, connection and intimacy. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman says that regular friendship activities lead the couples to make deposits of positivity into their relationship’s ‘emotional bank account’.

Doing so brings with it a positive perspective on each other and on the relationship. It has the additional benefit of the two partners bringing that positive mindset to discussions of issues in the form of ‘positive sentiment override’. This leads to them having success in managing conflict during those discussions.

Unfortunately, various factors can arise which make it challenging for the parties to engage in relationship friendship activities consistently. This leads to fewer deposits being made to the emotional bank account which leads to a negative perspective on each other and the relationship. In turn, it produces the additional side-effect of a negative mindset when discussing issues which leads to less success in managing conflict.

Fortunately, there are efficient and convenient friendship activities in which the couple can engage when these factors arise. I will discuss these activities in the following sections.

Factors which pose a challenge to maintaining the relationship friendship

Factors which pose a challenge to maintaining the relationship friendship include:

(1) Time – When couples get busy with work, children and the many tasks which need to be done, there is often little time remaining for relationship friendship activities. Given that relationship friendship activities are usually less urgent than those other activities, making deposits to their relationship’s emotional bank account can drop off;

(2) Inconvenience – It is sometimes inconvenient to engage in relationship friendship activities. For example, a couple who would like to go out to dinner may have trouble finding someone to babysit their children;

(3) Finances – Speaking of going out to dinner, many emotional bank account activities cost money—sometimes a fair amount of money. If finances are tight, the couple may validly skip doing costly relationship friendship activities;

(4) Conflict – If the couple does not manage conflict effectively when discussing issues, it can lead to fighting. In turn, this can lead the couple not to want to connect with each other in relationship friendship activities.

Efficient and convenient ways to keep up your relationship friendship

There are several efficient and convenient ways to overcome these obstacles and maintain your relationship friendship. They include:

Friendship-building exercises

There are many easy, convenient and time-efficient exercises which make deposits into the emotional bank account. These include having each partner list five characteristics they appreciate about each other and an incident which illustrates it, then sharing their answers with each other. A related exercise entails each partner keeping a daily diary in which they list positive characteristics displayed by the other.

Another exercise my couples counselling clients enjoy is having each partner quiz the other on knowledge of each other in terms of facts, likes and dislikes, etc. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman has many exercises like these which I’ve used effectively with couples whether or not they are married.

Connecting activities

Many couples schedule dates regularly to keep up their relationship friendship. Unfortunately, for reasons I mentioned it is sometimes not in the cards to go on dates. On these occasions, it is good to have alternative connecting activities which are not subject to the limitations of dates.

For example, if cost is an issue then going on an economical date (such as coffee rather than dinner) or a free connecting activity such as walk or a picnic can serve as excellent connecting alternatives. If time or childcare concerns make leaving the home to connect a challenge, in-house connecting activities like a board or video game can fill the bill nicely.

Conversations are a great way to connect. In that regard, I often recommend couples try Dr. Gottman’s daily stress-reducing conversation detailed in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. These conversations take little time, can be done at home or anywhere else, and provide a good bang for the couple’s buck in their positive effect on the relationship.

The five love languages

Using the five love languages from the book of that title by Dr. Gary Chapman is an effective and efficient way for couples to nurture their relationship friendship. It focuses on expressing love to a person in the language which they prefer. The five love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and receiving gifts.

Once each partner has identified their top two preferred love languages by completing a questionnaire, each partner can then nurture the other’s love languages with actions. This is a great time-efficient way to make deposits to the emotional bank account because it allows each partner independently to act. From a scheduling standpoint, this is much easier than activities which require both partners’ participation.

The time-efficiency benefit extends to the types of acts which nurture each partner’s love languages. They can be small but positive and meaningful acts such as giving a compliment to nurture the words of affirmation love language or hugging one’s partner to nurture the love language of physical touch.

Making connection a relationship rule

Many couples have rules for their relationship. I recommend that couples make connecting a relationship rule. This rule can take different forms. One form emphasizes the importance of nurturing the relationship friendship regularly such as ‘Do at least one friendship activity every day’.

Following this rule may appear daunting given the obstacles I’ve mentioned. However, doing so becomes achievable if the couple uses the efficiency strategies for nurturing the relationship friendship discussed in this article. Making connection a relationship rule gives the relationship friendship the importance it deserves so that both partners are mindful of the need to nurture it daily.

A second form of the rule I recommend is, ‘Continue doing friendship activities even if there are unresolved issues between us’.  This form of the rule addresses the obstacle which conflict poses to maintaining the relationship friendship. As I mentioned, if the couple does not manage conflict effectively when discussing issues, it can lead to fighting. In turn, this can lead the couple not to want to connect with each other in relationship friendship activities.

Following this rule ensures that doing friendship activities does not depend on being free of conflict. The danger of not having such a rule is that, if the couple stops connecting whenever there is unresolved conflict, before long the relationship’s emotional bank account becomes depleted. In turn, this leads to a negative mindset replacing a positive mindset which makes it harder to manage conflict and which leads to even less desire to connect. This negative cycle can often set in motion the demise of the relationship.

Making it a rule to keep doing friendship activities even when there is unresolved conflict will prevent this negative cycle from unfolding. It will also make it easier to constructively discuss the issues which are the focus of the unresolved conflict.

Having said that, it is admittedly challenging to connect with your partner when there is unresolved conflict. Doing so using one or more of the time-efficient activities mentioned in this article is often a good place to start when re-establishing connection in the wake of conflict.

May you nurture your relationship friendship efficiently and conveniently,

-Dr. Pat