Taking small steps to rebuild positivity in your relationship is one of the most important steps you can take to get your relationship back on track.
Putting the cart before the horse: Trying to address long-standing issues before rebuilding positivity
Many clients I see in couples counselling as a Calgary psychologist and a Cochrane psychologist want me to help them deal with their long-standing issues. These are typically issues which are associated with a lot of negativity between the partners. The couples usually report having little success in discussing these issues constructively and that one or both partners feel anger or other negative emotions in relation to these issues.
When I recommend that we rebuild positivity in their relationship before dealing with these issues, the reaction from the couple is often negative. The most common response I get to my suggestion is that the couple needs to deal with their issues before they can even consider rebuilding positivity with each other. I believe this response is a good example of ‘putting the cart before the horse’ in deciding on the order of steps a couple should take to improve their relationship. That is, rebuilding positivity is usually a necessary step to take before dealing with long-standing contentious issues. In the next section, I will indicate why this is the case.
Why rebuilding positivity makes it easier to deal with contentious issues
Couples who are willing to rebuild positivity before dealing with contentious issues typically report better results in dealing with these issues compared with couples who try to address these issues without rebuilding positivity. The reason for this difference is that rebuilding positivity results in both partners being more likely to think about each other and their relationship in positive terms as well as being more likely to experience positive emotions when they are interacting with each other.
More to the point of this article, these positive thoughts and emotions are more likely to be present when the couple discusses contentious issues. This positive perspective which the partners bring to the discussion of their issues serves as a buffer which provides the partners with the motivation to be constructive when discussing the issues. In contrast, couples who try to address their contentious issues without first rebuilding positivity bring a negative perspective to their discussions. The negative thoughts about their partner and their relationship along with the negative emotions they experience decrease the likelihood that the partners will have the motivation to be constructive when discussing the issues. The positive perspective is achieved by building positivity through making deposits to what relationship expert Dr. John Gottman refers to as the relationship’s ‘emotional bank account.’ In the following section, I will discuss how you and your partner can make these deposits to your relationship’s emotional bank account.
How you can build positivity by making deposits to your relationship’s emotional bank account
This involves trying to reconnect with your partner by having positive interactions with them rather than focusing exclusively on the negativity which occurs in problem-focused discussions. I usually recommend that couples with whom I work begin this process in small and consistent steps. For example, I often begin by asking my couples to do an exercise recommended by psychologist Dr. Christine Padesky. In this exercise, I invite my couples to begin with each partner listing at least 10 small, positive and meaningful acts they would like the other to do for them during the day. These acts should be easy and quick to perform but have a positive impact. Asking your partner to give you a neck rub, make you a cup of coffee or text you a nice message are just a few examples. I then ask each partner to do three acts from the other’s list each day (or do one of the acts from the list three times on a given day). I also ask that each partner keep track of when they notice their partner doing positive acts for them.
Couples who do this exercise each day over a period of several weeks typically report feeling more positively about their partners and their relationships. More importantly for the purposes of this article, the partners have move toward an emotional state which makes it much easier for them to be constructive when discussing their issues.
Challenges to building positivity and strategies to overcome them
Most couples I see for relationship counselling face some challenges when they attempt to rebuild positivity with their partner after having experienced a lot of negativity over time. For example, many couples wonder how they will be able to do positive acts for someone toward whom they’ve felt so negatively for so long. There are two strategies to help you perform the positive acts despite not feeling positively toward your partner. One is to choose the small acts from your partner’s list which are the easiest for you to do—especially in the beginning stages when the feelings of negativity are likely to be at their maximum.
A second strategy to help you perform the positive acts in the midst of negative feelings toward your partner is for you and your partner to agree to take steps to limit the negativity which comes from discussing contentious issues. In this regard, I suggest to my couples that they only begin or continue the discussion of an issue if they are both calm and in the mood to be constructive. Adhering to this agreement will make it easier for you to have a positive mindset when doing the small positive acts for your partner because you are less likely to have on your mind recent negative interactions with your partner.
A second challenge to rebuilding positivity which couples often face is skepticism that this strategy will work to improve their relationships. My first response to expressions of this skepticism is that there is substantial research as well as the experiences of many psychologists and couples which support the notion that taking action to build positivity both improves the emotional climate of the relationship and makes it easier for the couple to discuss contentious issues constructively. My second response to couples who express such skepticism is to invite them to conduct their own ‘research’ on the effects of building positivity on their relationship. Specifically, I ask them to agree to perform the exercise I outlined for a period of at least one month to see the results for themselves.
So if you and your partner are getting nowhere discussing your issues and your relationship is becoming more negative as a result, you might want to ‘put the horse before the cart’ by rebuilding positivity between the two of you as your first course of action.
May you have a healthy balance in your relationship’s emotional bank account,
-Dr. Pat
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