Managing conflict at holiday gatherings: Follow basic principles

This Christmas holiday session often features gatherings among family, friends, co-workers and others. Although many of these gatherings are enjoyable, some of them are stressful. These unpleasant gatherings often involve conflict resulting from people with different attitudes on issues ranging from politics to religion interacting with each other.

Managing this conflict effectively can make these unpleasant gatherings less unpleasant and even enjoyable in some circumstances. Following basic principles for managing conflict can help you to achieve this goal. I will discuss how you can do this in the following sections.

Choose the right time to start and continue discussions of issues

You are more likely to communicate constructively when you are calm than when you are stressed—or, to borrow a metaphor, when you are on green light rather than when you are on red light. If you start a discussion of an issue when you are already on red light, you are likely to say things you later regret rather than communicating constructively.

Similarly, it is better to step out of a discussion when you realize you have moved from green light to red light. Continuing to discuss an issue while you are on red light is likely to lead you to get personal with your comments rather than sticking to constructive dialogue.

Choose the right way to communicate your points

There are good ways and bad ways to communicate your points. Good ways focus on facts and arguments about the issue being discussed. Bad ways veer off into negative comments about the character of the person with whom you are debating and sometimes descend into insults, sarcasm and swearing.

Focusing on the good ways to communicate your points will allow you to disagree respectfully with others. Your relationship with the person can survive a heated argument focused on facts and issues. It is much harder to withstand an argument filled with personal attacks.

Rehearse challenging situations

Rehearsing challenging situations leads to a better ability to perform effectively in sports, music, public speaking, acting and a multitude of other activities. Similarly, rehearsal also leads to better performance in challenging situations involving discussions of issues on which you disagree with someone.

There are two types of rehearsal which benefit performance. Cognitive rehearsal entails preparing your words and actions. For example, you could prepare how to respond constructively to a point that is likely to trigger a feeling of anger. Rehearsing this constructive response will make it more likely you will execute it if that triggering point is made at the gathering.

Emotional rehearsal entails exposing yourself to the emotions you are likely to experience in a challenging situation. Repeatedly exposing yourself to these emotions will lead you to have a less intense reaction – known as desensitization.

For example, through imaginal rehearsal or role-playing you could repeatedly expose yourself to comments from someone which have led you to experience anger. Doing so will result in these comments leading you to have a less intense emotional reaction if they are made at the event. In turn, this will make it easier for you respond in constructive manner.

Avoid contentious issues in favour of topics which build your relationship friendship

It has long struck me as pointless to have a discussion on an issue on which I and the other person not only have firmly held opposing views but on which we both know we have firmly held opposing views. As a result, if we like each other apart from such issues it makes sense to spend our time together discussing topics and issues on which we are more likely to be on the same page.

These kinds of discussions are more likely to be enjoyable. The reason is that being around someone with whom you disagree fundamentally on certain issues is easier to manage if you also have discussions and activities with them to build and maintain a relationship friendship with them. Managing your disagreements on certain issues is improved further if you engage in connecting activities with the person such as going for coffee or dinner.

If you choose to discuss gridlocked issues, do it in the right way

Although avoiding discussions of issues on which you and the other person are gridlocked is often the best course of action, if you choose to ‘go there’ you are more likely to have a constructive discussion if you do it in the right way. This entails using a format other than what was featured in the CNN program Crossfire in which panelists from the left and right on the political spectrum would go back and forth stating their opposing views with few attempts to understand each other’s positions and the background underlying them.

A better approach is the one used in couples therapy when two partners disagree on a long-standing issue. Allow you and your conversational partner each to ‘have the floor’ by talking at length not only about their position on the issue, but the background underlying it. By using this format, the pressure is off both of you to futilely try to win a debate. The focus instead is on understanding what drives each other’s viewpoint based on thoughts, emotions and related experiences leading to these differing perspectives

Each of you feeling listened to is likely to lessen the negativity you have toward each other. In addition, understanding the emotional roots of your respective positions helps each of you to shift from negative thoughts you have held toward each other because of your differing positions on the issue.

Having a discussion in this format at a holiday gathering may seem challenging compared to conducting it in a couples counselling session. As such, there are ways of partially implementing this format at such gatherings which may be easier to execute.

For example, if you encounter someone who has a different position from you on an issue you could explore the experiences and emotions underlying their position by listening and asking questions even if they do not reciprocate. Such a discussion is likely to be much more enjoyable than having each of you follow the Crossfire format by trading points to support your respective positions.

Where possible, choose your conversational partners wisely

At holiday gatherings with many people, it is often possible to choose people with whom you converse. As such, you frequently have control over how much exposure you have to those with whom you disagree on certain issues. In these instances, the best course of action is often to spend the bulk of your time talking with people with whom conflict is less likely to occur and minimizing your exposure to people with whom the likelihood of conflict is greater.

Tread carefully when alcohol is consumed

Alcohol consumption inhibits our ability to restrain our impulses to talk and act aggressively. As a result, if you are attending a gathering in which you will encounter people with whom you disagree on fundamental issues, your best decision may be to refrain drinking alcohol. A next-best alternative would be to avoid interactions with such people.

A discussion between two people about an issue on which they fundamentally disagree is inherently challenging to manage. Trying to manage it when one or both people have been drinking alcohol is an exercise in futility. In effect, it is an accident waiting to happen.

Use problem-solving strategies to minimize conflict

Sometimes problem-solving strategies can be used to minimize conflict at a holiday gathering. For example, it may be known that two guests are likely to clash because of their opposing views on an issue. In this instance, the hosts of the gathering along with family and friends of the two ‘combatants’ can plan how to prevent such clashes. This may include talking with the two parties before the event.

As a last resort, consider not attending the event

If none of the strategies discussed are effective, it is reasonable to consider not attending the event. Such a decision may be in order if the gathering entails listening to a person with whom you disagree engaging in a continuous soliloquy of their views for those in attendance.

Your skipping the event will often draw the attention of people who miss your presence. This may lead them to address your concerns so that you can attend and enjoy future gatherings.

May you manage conflict at your holiday gatherings,

-Dr. Pat