One good turn deserves another: Benefits of the reciprocity principle

One of the most robust psychological phenomena is the principle of reciprocity. Simply stated, the principle is that if you behave toward someone in a particular way, the person is likely to respond to you with the same behaviour or a similar behaviour. In other words, they ‘reciprocate’ the behaviour which you displayed toward them.

The principle encompasses ‘positive reciprocity’, in which a favourable behaviour is responded to with another favourable behaviour, and ‘negative reciprocity’ in which behaving in an unfavourable manner toward someone elicits an unfavourable behaviour. Examples of positive reciprocity include performing a favour for someone leading to the other person returning the favour and gift-giving by one person leading to the other person giving a gift in response. Negative reciprocity instances include responding to an insult by insulting the other person in retaliation and punishing someone for behaving inappropriately and, in some cases, illegally.

A good feature of the reciprocity principle is that it can be used in therapy to help clients make progress on a myriad of relationship issues. I will discuss how this happens in the following sections.

Developing relationships

If your goal is to develop relationships—whether they be romantic, friendship or family—one way to do so is to use the principle of reciprocity of self-disclosure. Revealing information to others about yourself—whether it be personal facts or opinions and feelings, is likely to bring about self-disclosure in response from the other person. In turn, these reciprocated self-disclosures are one of the most effective ways to build feelings of closeness and intimacy with each other.

A word of caution in using self-disclosure: Do it gradually in terms of the level of intimacy of the disclosures. That is, begin with relatively superficial disclosures and only gradually increase the intimacy level of the disclosures if these low-intimacy disclosures are responded to positively and are reciprocated. ‘Spilling your guts’ with high-intimacy self-disclosures too early in a relationship is typically not well received and can prevent the relationship from ever developing.

Managing conflict in relationships

Couples who have challenges in managing conflict are often ‘stuck’ because each partner views the other as being at fault. The result is that both partners wait for the other to make the first positive step in resolving an issue.

On the other hand, if one partner can show leadership by taking positive steps proactively—through communicating constructively, listening empathically and conveying that they want to address both their concerns—these positive steps are likely to be reciprocated by the other partner. Taking the lead in this way will be easier if you remind yourself that doing so does not mean that your needs are unimportant but rather that these steps will help both of you to address your mutual concerns.

Increasing positivity in relationships

Having a positive perspective on a relationship is fundamental to it being able to thrive. However, having this perspective can be challenging when so much of the interactions involve tasks along with managing disagreements and conflicts.

An effective way to cultivate and maintain a positive perspective is to have each partner perform small, positive and meaningful acts for the other on a daily basis. A list of such acts to choose from can be made by each partner. Then, both partners can choose to perform one or more of these acts each day.

Performing these acts will not only have a positive effect on the partner performing them and the one receiving them, the reciprocity principle will also lead the partner who receives the positive act to be motivated to reciprocate by performing a positive act in return. In this way, the reciprocity principle provides fuel to make the performance of these positivity-enhancing acts an ongoing feature of the relationship.

Parenting

Parents can take steps to increase the frequency of desirable behaviours from their children by using the reciprocity principle. This is done by giving positive consequences in the form of attention and (sometimes) rewards or privileges for positive behaviours which their children perform.

This manifestation of the reciprocity principle is also an application of a basic tenet of operant conditioning, a fundamental part of behaviourist psychology. That is, people are more likely to continue to perform a behaviour if their performance of the behaviour is followed by a favourable consequence for the person.

May you use the reciprocity principle to help your relationships thrive,

Dr. Pat