Putting the cart before the horse: Action before empathy

A great therapist and author remarked at a talk which I attended that action-oriented strategies work better in addressing depression than just talking about the issue. I have seen the truth in this philosophy first-hand in working with clients with depression and a multitude of other issues.

The results are undeniable: Clients who implement strategies to take action in addressing their issues are likely to make better and faster progress than those clients who just talk about their issues. Knowing this, I tend to lead clients toward taking action as soon as possible.

Having said that, even though guiding clients toward taking action as soon as possible is recommended, doing so too soon can be counterproductive. In other words, a certain amount of the right kind of talk prior to action is usually necessary for the action to be effective. In the following sections, I will elaborate on this point.

Following the advice of an American president

Former American President Theodore Roosevelt is credited with the expression, ‘Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.’ As a therapist, this expression tells me that my clients need to know that I care about them before they will listen to any of my ideas to help them take action to address their issues. In other words, empathy must come before action.

Following the sentiment behind President Roosevelt’s words, it is not enough for me as a therapist to care about my clients before they will listen my ideas to help them take action. The clients need to know that I care about them.

I mention this because I have often made the error of guiding my clients toward taking action too early—that is, before they know that I care about them. I think I have committed this error because I assumed that my clients would know that I care about them. Otherwise, I reasoned, why would I be helping them?

I have made this error on fewer occasions as I have reminded myself of the need to demonstrate to clients that I care about them before they will listen to my ideas to help them take action to address their issues. A tangible way I have done this is by letting clients know that most, if not all, of their first session will focus on my listening to their concerns so that I understand them as much as possible. At this time, I also inform them that I will help them take action to address their issues but that this will come after I listen to their concerns in depth.

Shouldn’t it be ‘empathy instead of action’?

Given the importance of empathy, it is fair to wonder whether it is not only a prerequisite for action but it is more important than action. In the context of therapy, my experience is that it sometimes can be. That is, I have worked with some clients whose primary benefit is being listened to and understood and that the subsequent step of helping them take action in order to address their issues is unnecessary.

Having said that, most clients with whom I work are seeking help in taking action to address their issues. So although empathizing with these clients is important—particularly until they know that I understand and care—they are also looking for practical ideas to help them take action to address their issues. Only providing empathy for these clients would be met with the same negative reaction as occurs with clients for whom I mistakenly focus on helping them take action without having first empathized with them.

Empathy before action in various relationships

My focus in this article has been on the importance of empathy before action in the therapy relationship. However, please note that the notion of nobody caring how much you know until they know how much you care applies to many other kinds of relationships. These include a variety of personal and professional relationships.

It applies to personal relationships including dating and marriage, parent-child, friendships and siblings. In the professional domain, it applies to relationships between co-workers as well as between supervisors and their employees, relationships between employees and their customers as well as between teachers and their students.

I can vouch for the importance of empathy before action in many of these personal and professional relationships. For example, I benefited much more from the advice of work supervisors who made it a point to listen to and understand my concerns.

A recent example is my relationship with my piano instructor. I have benefited immensely from the advice and knowledge she has provided me. However, I would not have benefited to that extent without her having early on let me know that she is a caring person who listens and tries to understand my concerns.

May you both demonstrate and receive empathy before action,

– Dr. Pat