Sleep and sex: They have more in common than a bed

A good night’s sleep and fulfilling sexual relationships play pivotal roles in people’s emotional well-being. An obvious connection between these two goals is that they share the location where the activity occurs.

However, there is another thing they have in common. What it takes to be successful in each area is remarkably similar. I will discuss this common factor in the following sections.

Let it happen naturally: Focus on processes rather than outcomes

A good night’s sleep and fulfilling sexual relationships have in common the fact that they cannot be forced or willed to occur. Instead, you create conditions for these results to happen naturally. These conditions lead you to be in a relaxed state which allows these results to happen effortlessly. That is, feeling relaxed facilitates getting a good night’s sleep and leads to fulfilling sexual relationships.

In other words, focus on processes rather than outcomes whether your goal is to get a good night’s sleep or to have fulfilling sexual relationships. Processes are the conditions over which you have control while outcomes are the results you are seeking to achieve.

When pursuing goals, focusing on outcomes which you cannot control leads to additional stress which interferes with achieving those outcomes. In contrast, focusing on processes over which you have control leads to a less stressed and relaxed state. Getting a good night’s sleep and having fulfilling sexual relationships are two ‘textbook cases’ of goals for which it is better to focus on processes instead of outcomes.

Processes for getting a good night’s sleep

Processes which facilitate getting a good night’s sleep include:

Wake up at the same time each day. This ensures you will feel sleepy at night.

Go to bed only when you are sleepy. This will make it easy to drift off to sleep rather than getting frustrated lying in bed.

If you cannot fall asleep within a reasonable period, get out of bed. You should then do a relaxing activity (e.g., reading) until you feel sleepy and then return to bed. Do the activity in a different room so that your bedroom becomes associated with sleep rather than activity.

Do effortful activities away from the bedroom. Doing effortful activities while in bed conditions you to associate your bed with stress rather than relaxation.  Do these activities in a different room so that your bedroom becomes associated with sleep rather than activity.

Don’t take naps during the day. This will make it less likely you will be sleepy at night. Refraining from naps ensures you will be sleepy when night arrives.

If there are problems or worries which might interfere with your sleep, deal with these during the day. They will be less on your mind in bed, allowing you to relax.

Do relaxing, winding down activities at least one hour before you go to bed. Combining this with avoiding stressful and effortful activities makes it easier to relax and fall asleep.

Exercise, but not too late in the day. Exercising makes it easier to fall asleep if it is done early enough in the day, but if it is done too late in the day it makes it harder to relax and fall asleep.

Address negative thoughts regarding the consequences of not getting enough sleep. Believing that you need a certain number of hours of sleep each night adds to stress. It does so because you are focused on the outcome of getting to sleep. When that outcome is in jeopardy, the stress you experience will interfere with getting to sleep.

Remember that your body knows how much sleep you need and that you can perform well during the day even if you don’t sleep for a specific number of hours. This will help reduce your stress so that you can relax and fall asleep.

Processes for having fulfilling sexual relationships

Nurture your relationship friendship

Fulfilling sexual relationships do not occur in a vacuum. Nurture your relationship friendship by spending quality time, expressing fondness and admiration and catering to each other’s preferred love languages. This will foster emotional intimacy. In turn, physical intimacy and fulfilling sexual relationships will happen naturally.

Scheduling relationship friendship activities so they happen regularly will keep your relationship’s emotional bank account in a state of positive balance. The ongoing positive view which you and your partner have of each other and of your relationship will make engaging in physical intimacy a natural part of your routine.

Practice conflict management skills

Fighting which features verbal and/or physical aggression detracts from a couple engaging in intimacy-building activities. In turn, interactions with physical intimacy including sexual encounters are less likely to take place.

Practicing conflict management skills which focus on communicating constructively can allow you and your partner to work through issues on which you disagree while maintaining your positive views of each other. This makes it easier to continue engaging in relationship friendship activities along with physical intimacy interactions.

Manage individual stress

Stress you are experiencing as an individual will necessarily affect your relationship. If you are struggling to manage stress, this will have negative effects on your relationship. It will affect your relationship friendship, your ability to manage conflict and make having a fulfilling sexual relationship difficult.

Managing your individual stress will make it easier for you to have a strong relationship friendship, to manage conflict effectively and to have fulfilling sexual relationships.

Focus on different forms of physical intimacy

Focusing on sex as the goal of physical intimacy can increase stress because there is too much focus on an outcome. This interferes with being in a relaxed stated which allows for sexual fulfilment.

A better approach is to engage in various forms of physical intimacy such as hugging and touching.  Focusing on processes will help you and your partner be in a relaxed state. This will facilitate sex as a form of physical intimacy happening naturally.

Get help in implementing processes for sleep and sex

Knowing the processes on which you should focus and how to implement these processes is pivotal for getting a good night’s sleep and for having fulfilling sexual relationships. It may be helpful to work with a psychologist who is proficient in these areas. This professional will guide you through the implementation of the appropriate processes.

May you focus on processes rather than outcomes to get a good night’s sleep and to have fulfilling sexual relationships,

-Dr. Pat