In this article, I discuss how taking the time to nurture your relationship friendship is an example of what Dr. Stephen Covey referred to as ‘putting first things first’.
In his classic book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, the late Dr. Stephen Covey listed ‘put first things first’ as the third of the seven habits practiced by highly effective people. This habit, which focuses on spending time on what is most important to you, manifests itself through attending to tasks which are what Dr. Covey called ‘not urgent but important’. Such tasks often get neglected in favour of tasks which have a sense of urgency such as those which have deadlines.
‘Not urgent but important’ tasks typically do not have deadlines and often involve taking time to plan for or take steps toward current or new goals you are pursuing. Spending time on these not urgent but important tasks is often what can make the biggest difference in your attaining a sense of achievement and fulfillment in life.
Dr. Covey’s notion of ‘not urgent but important’ has applications to relationships—particularly marriages. Much time in these relationships necessarily is devoted to ‘urgent and important’ tasks focused on topics like and finances and parenting. Unfortunately, the time spent on these urgent and important tasks (and sometimes additional time spent on time-wasting ‘urgent but not important’ tasks) interferes with attending to ‘not urgent but important’ tasks. In the following sections, I will describe these ‘not urgent but important’ tasks facing couples in their relationships, why performing these tasks are critical to having a thriving relationship and how to take steps to attend consistently to them.
‘Not urgent but important’ tasks in a relationship
Much of a couple’s time in a relationship is necessarily spent on urgent and important tasks such as the examples I mentioned. ‘Not urgent but important’ relationship tasks focus on keeping a strong relationship friendship through engaging in behaviours and activities to build connection and intimacy. Although most people in relationships would acknowledge that these connection-building activities are important, they are often neglected because they lack the characteristic of urgency which is present for many activities in the task or issue side of the relationship. For example, there can be immediate negative consequences if a couple doesn’t pay their bills or get their children to school on time but there is little fear of such immediate negative consequences if the couple don’t make time to go for a walk together or have a date night.
Unfortunately, the greater urgency of task-oriented activities along with the sheer number of such activities often results in the ‘not urgent but important’ relationship friendship activities being postponed or omitted from a couple’s routine on a frequent basis. The result is that their relationship can suffer significantly in the long-term because not having enough friendship-building activities leads to what relationship expert Dr. John Gottman refers to as a an overdrawn ‘emotional bank account’ for the relationship. This state is associated with the couple having a negative perspective on themselves and their relationship which contributes to ongoing challenges for the couple both in dealing with issues constructively and in fostering emotional and physical intimacy.
So making time to engage in the ‘not urgent but important’ tasks is vital to having a good relationship. In the next section, I will discuss ideas couples can use to make sure these tasks get the ongoing attention they deserve.
How to attend to the ‘not urgent but important’ tasks in your relationship
The first step in attending to these tasks is to remind yourself of the importance of setting aside time for them. One way to do this is to write down the advantages of performing these tasks and post these advantages in a visible place where you and your partner can be reminded of them. This will make performing these tasks ‘top of mind’ so that you give them the priority status they merit.
The second step is to schedule these tasks on a regular basis. Scheduling them for specific days and times makes it much more likely you and your partner will engage in these tasks. Ideally, if you can set aside a specific time each week to engage in some of these tasks they will become part of your relationship routine so that you will look forward to doing them each week. Not scheduling these ‘not urgent but important’ tasks often results in their not happening because tasks which are urgent will demand your attention and be done instead.
In my work as a Calgary psychologist and a Cochrane psychologist, I help my clients stay on top of these ‘not urgent but important’ tasks in couples counselling, relationship counselling and marriage counselling.
May you put first things first in your relationship,
Dr. Pat
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