Spontaneity versus planning: Which is better when performing positive relationship acts?

One of the most common areas on which I focus when working with couples is building or rebuilding positive feelings. In turn, one reliable way to move toward this goal is to have each partner engage in positive acts toward each other.

An issue that often arises in implementing this strategy is whether the positive acts each partner performs for the other should be done spontaneously or in a planned manner which may involve scheduling. In the following sections, I will discuss this issue.

The apparent advantage of performing positive acts spontaneously

Spontaneous positive acts which you do for your partner have the advantage over planned positive acts of appearing to be viewed as more loving acts. That is, if a partner performs a positive act without being ‘required’ to do so according to a schedule, this may indicate that they enjoy doing such acts and therefore that they love their partner.

The corollary is that if an individual performs a positive act for their partner which has been planned or scheduled, this suggests that they are doing the act only because they are required to and therefore would not choose to do such an act unless it had been scheduled. In turn, this suggests that they do not enjoy doing such acts and that therefore they love their partner less than if the act were spontaneous.

According to this mindset, if you love your partner you should not need to plan or schedule positive acts. You should have such an ongoing urge to do these acts that you spontaneously perform them on a regular basis without need for planning or scheduling.

The downside of relying on spontaneous positive acts

The major disadvantage of relying on partners to perform positive acts spontaneously and without planning or scheduling is that the acts typically do not occur often enough. As desirable as it may be to have one perform spontaneous positive acts for their partner on a regular basis without any planning or scheduling, my experience and that of relationship experts like Dr. John Gottman is that it is rare to find this scenario actually unfolding in relationships—particularly on a sustainable basis over time.

The result is that relying on spontaneity to perform positive acts for your partner is likely to lead to such acts not being performed often enough. In turn, your partner is likely to feel less loved. This result stands in stark contrast to the ostensible advantage of relying on spontaneity for performing positive acts for one’s partner—that using this approach should result in your partner feeling more loved than if the positive acts were planned or scheduled.

So it appears that there is no preferred option in deciding whether it is better to leave the performing of positive acts in a relationship to spontaneity compared with planning and scheduling such acts. That is, if you rely on spontaneity then although each positive act performed for one’s partner may be viewed as more loving than if the act were planned and scheduled, the less than desired frequency of occurrence of spontaneous positive acts compared with planned and scheduled positive acts leads to the partner ultimately not feeling loved enough.

On the other hand, the alternative of planning and scheduling the performing of positive acts for one’s partner also appears to be lacking. That is, although planning and scheduling the performing of positive acts leads to such acts being performed more often than if the performing of such acts were left to spontaneity, one’s partner is unlikely to feel loved in this scenario because of viewing their partner as doing these acts only because they are ‘required’ to do them based on planning and scheduling.

Therefore, it appears that both partners are unlikely to feel loved enough whether they use spontaneity or planning and scheduling as the basis of performing positive acts for each other. Fortunately, there is a way of integrating these options which is likely to lead to the performing of positive acts achieving the desired goal of each partner in a relationship feeling loved. I will discuss this solution in the next section.

The preferred alternative: Focus on planning and scheduling positive acts

Planning and scheduling positive acts to perform for your partner on a regular basis is preferred to the alternative of relying on spontaneity to perform these acts. In the last section, I discussed why relying on spontaneity as an option is unsatisfactory.

But, you may ask, what about the previously discussed flaws with the option of planning and scheduling the performing of positive acts for one’s partner? I believe the evidence indicates that these flaws are only suspected flaws. In particular, the belief that planning and scheduling positive acts to perform for one’s partner necessarily results in these acts being viewed as ‘forced’ may be open to question. In turn, it is possible that the partner who is the recipient of these acts may indeed feel loved as a result.

Having said that, the best way to be convinced that planning and scheduling positive acts to perform for one’s partner does not detract from one’s partner feeling loved is to conduct behavioural experiments. For a given time period—such as one or two weeks—schedule positive acts to perform for your partner. Track the performance of the acts and have each ‘recipient’ partner rate on a 1-10 scale the extent to which they felt loved when their partner performed each act.

An additional experiment could entail you and your partner using the planning and scheduling approach for a week and the spontaneity approach for an alternate week while having each partner rate the extent to which they felt loved by their partner during the week. This would allow you both to collect data comparing the effectiveness of the two approaches to performing positive acts.

How to enhance the benefits of planning and scheduling positive acts

When you and your partner have gathered data from behavioural experiments demonstrating the effectiveness of planning and scheduling positive acts for each other, you can take additional steps to enhance these benefits. These include:

(1) Focus on performing small, positive and meaningful acts. Such acts typically have as positive effect on your partner as large, time-consuming or expensive acts. It is also easier to perform such acts regularly so that your partner feels loved by you on an ongoing basis;

(2) Vary the type and timing of the positive acts you perform. Engaging in a variety of acts as well as varying when you perform them will make things more interesting for both of you. This should enhance the positive effects of performing the acts and make performing them easier to sustain as habits;

(3) Perform acts which are more likely to result in your partner feeling loved. One way to get a better ‘bang for your buck’ is for you and your partner to determine your preferred love languages—the particular ways in which each of you enjoys having love expressed toward you. Then have each partner focus on ‘targeting’ those love languages with the acts they perform. An alternative is to have each partner make a list of small, positive meaningful acts they would enjoy having their partner perform for them and exchange these lists;

(4) Allow for spontaneity and the performing of large positive acts. Even though the planning and scheduling of small, positive and meaningful acts for your partner should be your focus, complementing this approach by performing large positive acts as well as by performing positive acts spontaneously rather than by planning and scheduling can enhance the loving feelings each of you experiences. The key is not to rely on these acts as your primary approach to performing positive acts for each other in your relationship.

May you and your relationship partner regularly plan and schedule positive acts to perform for each other,

Dr. Pat