In this article, I discuss a key behaviour couples can do more of to build their relationship friendship—turning toward each other more often.
My work with clients in couples counselling and relationship counselling is guided by the theories and research of Dr. John Gottman. Dr. Gottman’s findings indicate that one of the most important elements in a good relationship is having a strong relationship friendship. In turn, Dr. Gottman says that one of the most important aspects of a good relationship friendship involves the two partners turning toward each other on a regular basis. In the following sections, I will explain what Dr. Gottman means by ‘turning toward’ in a relationship, why it is so important and how you can ‘move toward’ ‘turning toward’ in your relationship. I will also distinguish ‘turning toward’ from ‘turning away’ and ‘turning against’.
What it means to turn toward in a relationship
Turning toward is all about connecting with your partner. Dr. Gottman says it occurs when one partner makes a bid for connection and the other partner accepts that bid. You can have verbal bids for connection such as one partner making an observation, asking a question or making a compliment while the other partner can accept the bid by responding positively. You can also have nonverbal bids for connection such as one partner reaching to hold the other’s hand or playfully hitting the other with a pillow and the other partner can accept the bid by reciprocating.
In each of these instances, making and accepting the bid for connection facilitates the partners turning toward each other which leads to greater closeness and a stronger relationship friendship. Dr. Gottman finds that couples who make and accept bids for connecting frequently tend to be the couples with better relationship friendships and, in turn, better relationships overall compared with couples who make and accept fewer bids.
Turning toward v. turning away
Turning toward contrasts with turning away and turning against. Turning away occurs when one partner makes a bid for connection and the other does not accept it. For example, one partner might try to start a conversation by asking the other about their day and the partner shuts it down with a one-word answer. Or one partner could make a gesture of physical intimacy and the other partner does not respond in kind.
These bids for connection which are not accepted constitute one partner turning away from the partner who made the bid. Not surprisingly, partners whose bids for connection are not accepted are much less likely to make further bids because of the feeling of rejection which occurs from not having their bid accepted. The resulting decreased frequency of further bids for connection has a negative impact on the relationship friendship and on the relationship overall.
Turning toward v. turning against
Turning against occurs when the couple experience negative thoughts and feelings as a result of conflict with each other. Dr. Gottman’s research indicates that couples who take steps to turn toward each other are more likely to manage conflict effectively because of the positive mindset they create from their enhanced relationship friendship. In other words, they are less likely to ‘turn against’ each other when discussing issues or disagreements as a result of turning toward.
Making and accepting bids for connection to facilitate turning toward
You and your relationship partner can facilitate turning toward by making bids for connection with each other frequently. When doing so, also make it a point to accept your partner’s bids for connection as often as possible. Doing so will make it more likely you both will be motivated and excited about making further bids for connection with concomitant benefits for your relationship friendship and your relationship as a whole. Turning toward is a key relationship friendship behaviour I encourage couples to adopt in my work as a Calgary psychologist and a Cochrane psychologist.
May your relationships have more turning toward and less turning away and turning against,
-Dr. Pat
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