Unresolved issues in a relationship: It’s how you respond to them that counts

Couples with whom I work often have unresolved issues in their relationships. And although the unresolved issues themselves can have negative effects on the relationships, the way in which the two partners respond to the unresolved issues has a much greater impact on the relationship.

Certain responses by the couple result in the relationship thriving despite their having unresolved issues while other responses lead to significant negative consequences. In the following sections, I will discuss the notion of unresolved issues in relationships and the effect of different responses to them.

Unresolved issues: A feature of every relationship

Every relationship has unresolved issues. In fact, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman has found that the majority of the problems in relationships are ‘perpetual problems’.

These are ongoing issues, many of which stem from differences in the background and personality of the two partners, which are inherently resistant to being resolved. Perpetual problems differ from what Dr. Gottman has referred to as ‘solvable problems’. Perpetual problems can occur in many areas of a relationship including money, sex and parenting.

The wrong way to respond to perpetual problems

The wrong way to respond to perpetual problems entails one or both partners withdrawing from each other. This typically includes discontinuing activities with each other which build and maintain connection, positivity, intimacy and friendship which are the cornerstones of a thriving relationship.

The resulting decline of the relationship friendship can have a significant negative impact on the relationship. This occurs not only because of a reduction in positive feelings but also because the lack of connection makes it more difficult to deal with any problem or issue—not just the issue which led to the downward spiral in the relationship friendship.

The subsequent demise of the relationship, which is a distinct possibility in such circumstances, is often misattributed to the couple’s unresolved issues. In reality, it is not the presence of unresolved issues which was the reason for the relationship’s deterioration but instead the couple’s responses to the unresolved issues.

The right way to respond to perpetual problems

The right way to respond to perpetual problems involves taking a number of steps which can allow your relationship to thrive amidst these problems. The steps are as follows:

Decide if the problems are deal-breakers

A relationship expert once remarked that the secret to having a good relationship is choosing a partner with whom the perpetual problems you have are ones you can live with. The comment both recognizes that perpetual problems are an inevitability in any relationship but also acknowledges that there are certain perpetual problems which may be deal-breakers for one or both partners.

It is important to decide whether the perpetual problems in your relationship are those you can or cannot live with. If they are deal-breakers, then the next step is to end the relationship and perhaps find a partner with whom the perpetual problems are not deal-breakers. If you decide that you can live with the perpetual problems in your relationship, then the next step is to enhance your relationship so that it not only survives but thrives in the presence of the perpetual problems.

Remind yourself that every relationship has perpetual problems

Dealing with an unresolved issue in a relationship is more difficult when you and your partner get down on yourselves and each other because of the presence of unresolved issues. It is not a negative reflection on a couple to have unresolved issues. They are a feature of every relationship.

Reminding yourself of this will take the pressure off you and your partner to do the impossible and try to solve problems which are inherently unsolvable. You can then move toward accepting these problems and implementing strategies to manage them so that your relationship stays strong in the midst of them.

Remind yourself of the positives about your partner and the relationship

Focusing on unresolved issues will lead you to have a negatively skewed view of your relationship which will affect your mood negatively and consequently lead to further negativity in the relationship. Develop instead a balanced view of your relationship by recognizing the positives in your partner and the relationship which may well outweigh the negatives from the unresolved problem. This will be better for your mood and will lead to better interactions in the relationship.

Remind yourself of the positive ‘flip sides’ of perpetual problem traits

Traits which lend themselves to perpetual problems often have a positive ‘flip side’. Recognizing this can make it easier to deal with unresolved problems which derive from the negative side of the trait in question.

For example, she may view his predictable nature as ‘boring’ but can remind herself that he is also dependable and helps her feel secure as a result. He may view her impulsivity negatively when it leads to sometimes not being able to count on her but can remind himself that he also finds her spontaneity very attractive.

Counter ‘hot thoughts’ with ‘balanced thoughts’

Having unresolved problems in a relationship often lead the partners to have ‘hot thoughts’ about each other and the relationship. These are negatively skewed beliefs such as ‘This means my partner doesn’t care about me’ and ‘I don’t think our relationship can survive if we don’t resolve this disagreement’.

Critically examining these beliefs with evidence typically leads to more accurate balanced thoughts which are better for your mood and lead the relationship to stay on track. Using the examples, balanced thoughts could include, ‘Even though we haven’t resolved this problem and may never do so, I have a lot of evidence that my partner cares about me and that our relationship can remain strong.”

Continue to communicate about the unresolved issue

It is important to continue to talk about the unresolved issue. Not doing so will make it more likely that one or both partners will resent the other with predictable negative consequences. Having said that, communication must be done in the right way. Otherwise, it will only lead to frustration and conflict.

The best kind of communication about unresolved issues entails both partners getting a chance to take turns expressing their thoughts and feelings while the other person listens attentively and empathically. This kind of communication can be good for the mood of both partners and for the relationship even if it doesn’t lead to solutions to the unresolved problems.

Follow up on communication by looking for areas of compromise and flexibility

Communicating about the unresolved issue in the above way can often lead to opportunities for each partner to be flexible on the issue and to compromise. This may not resolve the problem to each person’s satisfaction, but it can lead to each partner viewing the other favourably by seeing that they are trying to address their concerns to at least some extent. In turn, this compromise and flexibility should lead to more favourable interactions in the relationship which will help keep it strong despite the issue being unresolved.

Make it a rule to keep your relationship friendship strong despite the unresolved issue

To counteract the tendency to withdraw from relationship friendship activities when there is an unresolved issue, I advise couples with whom I work to make it a relationship rule that they will commit to keeping their relationship friendship strong even when there are unresolved issues. This rule can be expanded upon by agreeing on ways to implement it such as by continuing to schedule friendship-building activities (such as going on regular dates).

Implementing a rule of this type helps the couple to gather evidence that they can still enjoy each other’s company and recognize that they both still love and care for each other despite having an unresolved issue between them. In turn, this gives the couple confidence that they can continue to keep their relationship thriving in the midst of unresolved issues. Using the other strategies discussed in this article should also become easier as a result.

May you and your partner respond to unresolved relationship issues in the right way,

-Dr. Pat