Striking a balance: Having good self-esteem without becoming egotistical

I sometimes work with clients who are ambivalent about working on the goal of building good self-esteem. You might wonder why someone would be ambivalent about pursuing an apparently unequivocally positive goal. The reason for these clients’ ambivalence is typically concern over good self-esteem leading to egotism or even narcissism. Such concerns often extend to putting oneself ahead of  others so that their relationships may suffer.

Fortunately, there are ways to have good self-esteem without it leading to these negative consequences. In the following sections, I will discuss steps you can take to strike this balance.

Focus on having inner confidence

Having good self-esteem primarily entails having inner confidence. If you feel good about yourself, you will be less dependent on other people to validate you.

In this scenario, the positive comments you receive from others are nice to hear but you won’t rely on them to feel good about yourself. The result is that you will be less likely to ‘fish for compliments’ by telling other people about your accomplishments and coming across as boastful.

Focus on processes rather than outcomes

The benefits of focusing on processes rather than outcomes applies in so many endeavours.  For example, an athlete focusing on the desired outcome of winning or performing well feels so much pressure that they are less likely to achieve those outcomes. In contrast, an athlete who focuses on processes which are within their control rather than on outcomes which are not under their control is more likely to perform well and have the best chance of achieving their desired outcomes.

In a similar manner, while building one’s self-esteem it is tempting to focus on the desired outcome of positive responses from others. And although this is a reasonable outcome to want, becoming preoccupied with achieving it leads to stress and frustration because achieving it relies on factors beyond your control. You are also more likely to try to elicit positive responses from others in ways which are viewed as egotistical. In other words, trying to control the outcomes leads to the opposite of the desired result.

A better approach in building self-esteem is to focus on processes which are within your control rather than on outcomes which are not under your control. Interestingly, doing so will make it more likely that you will achieve the desired outcome of getting positive responses from others. Taking this approach will also make it more likely that you will enjoy positive feedback from others rather than needing it to feel good about yourself.

Focus on action rather than talk

As with most goals, taking action to build good self-esteem gets better results than talking. Actions to foster good self-esteem include:

(1) Regularly scheduling mastery activities. These allow you to use your skills and talents in sports, music, and other endeavours;

(2) Setting boundaries/behaving assertively. Doing so entails acting in a manner which respects yourself which fosters a positive view of yourself;

(3) Accepting compliments. This is an easy habit to develop for building self-esteem.. Note that accepting a compliment with a simple ‘thank you for saying that’ is not bragging. It is a verbal response in which you respect yourself and the person who gave you the compliment;

(4) Practicing using cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) skills. Skills from CBT like thought records and assertive defense of the self help you to identify negative thought patterns which undermine your self-esteem and change them to thinking patterns which boost your self-esteem. A psychologist with training in CBT can help you to learn and practice these skills.

Monitor your progress in a habit tracker

A proven way to create good habits and break bad habits is to monitor your progress in a habit tracker. As discussed by James Clear in Atomic Habits, this technique entails recording situations in which you engage in behaviours related to the habit which you are trying to create or break.

In this case, habit-tracking would entail recording situations with behaviours related to having good self-esteem. Each entry entails recording details such as when and where the event occurred, who was present, what you did well and what you did not do well along with ways you can do better in a comparable situation going forward.

Habit tracking is an excellent way to determine the extent to which you are striking the right balance between thinking and behaving positively regarding yourself without doing so at the expense of other people’s needs.

Assess the validity of criticisms toward you

If you have only recently been taking steps toward building good self-esteem, you may be unsettled by criticisms some people level at you for being too full of yourself, selfish or unconcerned about the needs of others.

At these times, it is important that you neither accept the validity of these critiques without scrutiny nor that you dismiss them out of hand. Rather, assess the validity of such criticisms based on evidence.

Sometimes these assessments may reveal that the criticisms were valid and that you should take more steps to consider other people’s needs. In other instances, the evidence may indicate that the criticisms are not valid—that the person has claimed that you have been behaving selfishly without evidence to support this claim. This sometimes happens when we set necessary boundaries with people. Some people label the person setting the boundaries as selfish or egotistical as a tactic to have them back off in their boundary-setting. In these cases, sticking to your guns is the best route to follow.

Don’t try to be perfect

In pursuing the goal of having good self-esteem, there will inevitably be instances in which you cross the line into putting your needs above others despite your best efforts to avoid doing so. In other words, as with most endeavours it is impossible to be perfect in this one. Therefore, do not let these times when you fail to strike the right balance between having good self-esteem and considering the needs of others deter you from pursuing this goal.

Remind yourself that you can strike the right balance in most instances. And the benefits to your life of having good self-esteem make pursuing this goal well worth it.

May you strike the right balance as you pursue the goal of having good self-esteem,

-Dr. Pat